| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| MguyX |
Posted - 15/01/2004 : 18:46:13
If you've gat a good joke (or a really bad one), share it.
Here's one of each:
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9.
A boy asked his father what the difference was between the words "potentially" and "realistically." The father said, "Son, do as I tell you and you'll figure it out."
Eager to please and eager to learn, the boy agreed. The father said, "Ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for one million dollars. Then ask your sis ter if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for one million dollars. Then, go ask your brother if he would sleep with Tom Cruise for one million dollars."
The boy went to his mother. "Mom?" he asked, "If someone offered you one million dollars to sleep with Robert Redford, would you do it?" The mother blushed and replied, "Well, son Robert Redford was quite the charm in my day, and as much as I love your father, I'd have to say yes."
The boy went to his sister. "Sis, if someone offered you one million dollars to sleep with Brd Pitt, would you do it?" The sister, busy preening in the mirror, replied, "Are you nuts? Of course I would. Hell, I'd do Brad Pitt for free."
The boy went to his brother. "Yo, bro! If someone offered you one million dollars to sleep with Tom Cruise, would you do it?" The brother looked at the boy and smirked. "Do you know what I could buy with a million dollars? Hell yeah I would!"
The boy returned to his father and said, "Dad, I think I've figured out the difference between the two words:
Potentially, we're sitting on three million dollars. Realistically, we're living with two sluts and a homosexual."
|
| 15 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| TitanPA |
Posted - 07/05/2012 : 17:26:31
Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbled across a monastery and requested shelter there.
Fortunately, she was just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she had ever tasted.
After dinner, she strolled into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She was met by two of the Brothers.
They welcomed her with, "Hello, I am brother Michael and this is Brother
Charles."
"I am very pleased to meet you both," replied the nun, "I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever had. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"
Brother Charles replied, "Well, thank you sister. I am the fish friar."
She turned to Brother Michael and said, "then you must be....?"
"Yes, sister," interrupted Brother Michael you are correct. I am the chip monk." |
| TitanPA |
Posted - 07/05/2012 : 17:24:20
Scientist today exhumed Beethoven from his grave, when they opened the coffin, they were shocked to see him playing the piano backwards.
When asked what this meant a spokesman said he was de-composing. |
| TitanPA |
Posted - 07/05/2012 : 17:20:02
It was the first day of Grade Three in a new town for Johnny. As a test, his teacher went around the
room and asked each of the students to count to 50. Some did very well, counting as high as 30
or 40 with just a few mistakes. Others couldn't get past 20. Johnny, however, did extremely well;
he counted past 50, right up to 100 without any mistakes. He was so excited that he ran home
and told his Dad how well he had done. His Dad nodded and told him, "That's because you are
from Alabama, son." The next day, in language class, the teacher asked the students to recite the
alphabet. It's Grade Three, so most could make it half way through without much trouble. Some
made it to S or T, but Johnny rattled off the alphabet perfectly right to the end. That evening,
Johnny once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school. His Dad, knowingly,
explained to him, "That's because you are from Alabama, son." The next day, after Physical
Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnny noted that, compared to the other boys in his
grade, he seemed overly "well endowed". This confused him. That night he told his Dad. "Dad,
they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from
Alabama?" he asked. "No, son," explained his Dad, "That's because you're 18." |
| Chris C |
Posted - 06/05/2012 : 10:58:47
'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland . I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'
'Well Paddy', Sarkozy replied, 'How big is your army?'
'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'
Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'
'Begorra!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'
'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.
'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'
Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'
'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'
Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200, 000!'
'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'
'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'
'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.
|
| Chris C |
Posted - 06/05/2012 : 10:57:03
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.
|
| Chris C |
Posted - 07/09/2011 : 22:20:09
Hers'e four for the price of one...
The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza shop and asks "Can you make me one with everything?"
"That'll be $6 please" says the cashier. The Dalai Lama passes over a $10 bill.
The cashier puts the note in the till and closes it.
"What about my change?" asks the Dali Lama.
"Change comes from within." replies the cashier.
The Dalai Lama admitted this was true, and ate his Pizza, but it gave him bad breath and bothered his sore tooth.
The Dalai Lama then walked to the dentist to get a filling. Although old and frail, he walked often, and he walked barefoot, as evidenced by the thickness of the soles of his feet. It is for this reason he is known as the "super-calloused fragile mystic exhibiting halitosis."
The dentist inspected the Dalai Lama's tooth, and said he could fill the cavity right then. When he offered to use Novacaine, the Dalai Lama declined, saying he wanted to transcend dental medication. |
| Sean |
Posted - 11/08/2011 : 03:07:09
On the bus this morning I saw a beautiful Thai girl, wearing a mini-skirt, legs slightly apart... I kept thinking to myself, "please don't get a hard-on, please don't get a hard-on"... but she did. |
| Sean |
Posted - 11/08/2011 : 03:06:14
^  I had to check out those links before I could 'get it'; I remember the event but had no idea of the name of the place or perpetrator. |
| ChocolateLady |
Posted - 28/07/2011 : 07:45:28
quote:
Originally posted by Seán
WARNING! Bad taste current-event joke follows. No sympathy will be extended to those who don't understand the concept (and hilarity) of sick jokes and choose to ignore the warning:-
.
.
.
Amy Winehouse arrives at the Pearly Gates. There is a huge queue in front of her.
St Peter says, "Hey Amy, you can go straight to the front of the queue".
Amy says, "Why do I get to queue-jump? Is it because I'm famous?"
St Peter says, "No, it's because we're still waiting for a Norwegian translator."
Ouch!
Sort of reminds me of this old one:
After Yitzhak Rabin was killed he went to heaven. There he was greeted by the welcoming commitee, and was told that in heaven each person can choose what type of house he wants to leave in for eternity.
Rabin says that before choosing what type of house he would like for eternity, he would first like to have a look around heaven to see what type of houses people have.
He starts his tour, and suddenly he sees a huge fancy building, that looks like Ma'arat Hamachpela (the Cave of the Patriarchs). He knocks on the door and Baruch Goldstein opens the door.
Rabin asks him "Well, I see you live in a very nice house. About how long did it take you to build this house?"
Goldstein says: "It took only 2 weeks."
Rabin goes back to the person in charge, to tell him he has already decided what house he wants: "I want to live in a house that looks like the Knesset" Rabin says.
The person in charge tells him that will be OK, they will start building the Knesset house for him immediately.
Rabin then asks how much time will the construction take.
And they tell him it will take about 3 years to build.
Rabin complains: "3 years!!! But you built Goldstein's house in only 2 weeks!!!"
So they tell him: "Yes that's right but, HE BROUGHT HIS OWN WORKERS!!!"
|
| Sean |
Posted - 28/07/2011 : 00:07:50
WARNING! Bad taste current-event joke follows. No sympathy will be extended to those who don't understand the concept (and hilarity) of sick jokes and choose to ignore the warning:-
.
.
.
Amy Winehouse arrives at the Pearly Gates. There is a huge queue in front of her.
St Peter says, "Hey Amy, you can go straight to the front of the queue".
Amy says, "Why do I get to queue-jump? Is it because I'm famous?"
St Peter says, "No, it's because we're still waiting for a Norwegian translator."
|
| Sean |
Posted - 15/07/2011 : 00:14:34
http://i.imgur.com/lwxvX.jpg
Make sure you read the comments. Dirty joke warning I guess. 
|
| Chris C |
Posted - 27/06/2011 : 10:38:27
I met a beautiful woman woman by the lake the other day. There was an instant spark between us and she fell at my feet. As we laid there, making love, I thought to myself ... those Tazers are well worth the money... 
|
| Chris C |
Posted - 24/06/2011 : 21:10:03
I was at church last night and after the service and potluck we all went into the chapel for some games. The first one was a trivia contest. I am pretty good at this stuff and got to the finals.
Well, I am sorry to say that I was in it until the last question, but I lost the trivia contest by one point and was totally embarrassed.
The last question was: "Where do most women have curly hair?"
.......so I shouted out my answer.......
Apparently the correct answer is: Africa
And I can't play trivia at church anymore. |
| MguyX |
Posted - 24/04/2011 : 18:55:58
One fellow asked another what was the most exciting way to have sex with a woman.
"I like to do it Texas style. That's when you mount her from behind, reach forward and cup her breasts and then whisper in her ear, 'These feel just like you mother's' and hang on." |
| Sean |
Posted - 16/04/2011 : 04:52:49
I said to this girl, "Did you know the Argentine blue-bill duck has for its size, the largest penis of any vertebrate, over half it's body length?"
"Get out of here," she said.
"It's true," I replied, "and did you know that the blue whale ejaculates around five gallons of sperm?"
"No, get out of here," she said again, "this is the ladies toilets, you fucking pervert." |
|
|
