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Sean 
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."

New Zealand

Posted - 05/08/2006 :  05:04:51  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Men Are Just Happier People

What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles and gray hair add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected, as is the fart.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase, sometimes none!
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24th in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.
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Sean 
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."

New Zealand

Posted - 26/08/2006 :  01:32:37  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
1. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.

2. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

3. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

4. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

5. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

6. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

7. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

8. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

9. Opportunities look bigger going than coming.

10. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

11. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

12. When you can make ends meet, then move the ends


Irish Diplomacy is the ability to tell a man to go to hell so that he looks forward to making the trip.

If we were put here to help other people, what were the other people put here for?

Two east coast hookers decided to move to the west coast and while driving through new mexico they stopped at a little general store. There they got talking to two elderly native american women sitting on the front porch of the store. when asked about their indian heritage, the older lady explained "Well, i'm a Navajo and she is an Arapaho". "No kidding!" said one of the hookers, "Well i'm a New York ho and she's a Chicago ho!".

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.


- some days you are the fly; some days you are the windscreen.

- never test the depth of water with both feet.

- if at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not the sport for you.

- generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

- never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

- the early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

- change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

- light travels faster than sound. that is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

- money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with .


Here are a few things to think about that you probably have never thought about:-

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?


...I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

...I had amnesia once -- or twice.

.....Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

...They told me I was gullible... and I believed them.

...Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.

...Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

...I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

...Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
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Sean 
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."

New Zealand

Posted - 08/09/2006 :  02:39:28  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Is it too early for Steve Irwin jokes yet? I've got plenty of them.
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BaftaBaby 
"Always entranced by cinema."

Posted - 08/09/2006 :  09:59:01  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Se�n

Is it too early for Steve Irwin jokes yet? I've got plenty of them.



G'wan, sport -- it's what he would've wanted

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Conan The Westy 
"Father, Faithful Friend, Fwiffer"

Posted - 08/09/2006 :  10:38:34  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
I heard my first at school on Tuesday morning. It involved sunscreen to protect against harmful rays.
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thefoxboy 
"Four your eyes only."

Eastern Suburbs, Melbourne, Australia

Posted - 08/09/2006 :  11:04:29  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Ray Sting Peace.

Sean may have asked about posting the jokes here but he didn't ask me before sending them all to me in an email.

Edited by - thefoxboy on 08/09/2006 11:07:00
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Sean 
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."

New Zealand

Posted - 09/09/2006 :  00:24:05  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Perhaps I'll leave it a while. Peter Brock jokes, anyone?



BTW, foxy is on my "send funny things as soon as I get them" list.

Edit: I've changed my mind. Seeing as how the two Aussies who posted actually posted bad-taste jokes in their comments (albeit with and ) I'll take this as approval of bad-taste jokes. But the main reason is that I just know that I'll be quite chuffed if plenty of jokes about me circulate the web when I die (although it's far more likely that few will notice ). And I strongly suspect that Steve, being a down-to-earth easy-going Aussie bloke wouldn't mind, and would probably have a laugh at them himself. Not to mention that laughter is a coping mechanism, as is sending flowers. Here goes:-

Q: How many croc hunters does it take to capture a sting-ray?
A: Apparently more than one.

Steve Irwin's Australia Zoo is now serving Sting Ray...
It's expensive, but Steve reckons "It's to die for!"

In a recent interview Steve Irwin was asked what his favourite TV programme was.
"Thunderbirds", he replied, "But Stingray will always have a special place in my heart."

Steve Irwin's funeral music has been chosen by his wife - Crocodile Rock, sung by Sting.

Steve should have used more sun-block to keep out the harmful rays.

Maybe Steve Irwin should have been wearing his Ray Bans.

Q: How did Steve Irwin die?
A: He had a heart attacked.

Steve Irwin got to the Pearly Gates and God said "That will be �100 to get in."
"Fuck off!" Steve says, "I've already been stung once today."

Oh Death! Where is thy sting?

Steve had a hole in his heart that could only be filled by animals.

They called a meeting at the Australian Zoo. Steve Irwin has something to get off his chest.

After Steve Irwin's death Terri Irwin discovered she is pregnant. If it's a boy she'll name him Ray and if it's a girl she'll name her Barb.

Steve Irwin may have married Terri, but he always had a place in his heart for Barb.

Q: What does Steve Irwin and the Paxton family have in common?
A: They've both been shafted by Ray.

Q: What's the difference between Dracula and Steve Irwin?
A: When Dracula pulls a barb out of his chest, he lives.

Q: What's the difference between Steve Irwin and Princess Di?
A: Steve brought his own camera crew.

Q: How did the pediatrician terrify the Irwin children?
A: He warned the shot might sting.

Note that I totally disapprove of all of these.

Edited by - Sean on 09/09/2006 00:35:06
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mampers11 
"Lazy Lebowski Loses Rug"

Posted - 09/09/2006 :  15:03:13  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
After a night of drinking, Brian crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you? "Demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"

The mysterious man answered, "This isn't your bedroom, and I'm St Peter".

Brian was stunned. "You mean I'm dead? That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away."

St Peter replied, "Yes, you can be reincarnated, but there is a catch.

We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This

ain't so bad," he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, "So you're the new hen. How are you enjoying your first day here?

"It's not so bad, "replied Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode."

"You're ovulating," explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before."

"Never," replied Brian.

"Well, just relax and let it happen." And so he did, and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg popped out from under his tail. An

immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming

and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had happened to him...ever!!!

The joy kept coming, and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he

felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting, "Brian! Wake up, you drunk bastard, you're shitting the bed."


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Chris C 
"Four words, never backwards."

Posted - 10/09/2006 :  14:57:32  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
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Chris C 
"Four words, never backwards."

Posted - 14/09/2006 :  21:15:00  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk...

a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...

a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate

Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...

a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.
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Chris C 
"Four words, never backwards."

Posted - 21/09/2006 :  22:53:40  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Some of these you may have already seen, but...


A man walked into a gift shop with a huge salmon under his arm, he walked up to the lady at the till and asked "do you have any fish cakes?" The bemused women replied "why?!?" The man said whilst pointing at the salmon "its his birthday!"
_______________________________________________________________________

A small Arkansas Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of a female gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Ed, a part time redneck intern, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Ed, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution.

Ed was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500?

Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully! The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.
"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her.
"Secondly," he said, "you must never tell anyone about this."
The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.
"Well," said Ed, "you gotta give me at least another week to come up with the $500."
_____________________________________________________________________

The new miracle anti-aging products...
Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way.
Andy's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.
After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asks her husband - "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am?"
Looking over her carefully, Harold replied...
"Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."
"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. Just as she was about to tell Andy his reward, he stops her by saying...
"WHOA, hold on there sweetie!" Harold interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet!"
______________________________________________________________________

Truth About Barney
1) Start with the given:
CUTE PURPLE DINOSAUR
2) Change all U's to V's (which is proper Latin anyway):
CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR
3) Extract all Roman Numerals:
C V V L D I V
4) Convert into Arabic values:
100 5 5 50 500 1 5
5) Add all the numbers:
666
Thus, Barney is Satan.
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redPen 
"Because I said so!"

United States

Posted - 24/09/2006 :  12:24:27  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Sick Classic:

A man is pissing in a public men's room, when a 3-foot-tall gentleman walks up to the urinal next to him. Out of the corner of his eye, the first guy sees that the little guy has a 12-inch cock.

"Damn," mutters the man.

"I see you noticed me tool," the little man says with a thick Irish brogue.

"Well, hey, I wasn't staring or anything, but that thing's hard to miss!"

The man smiles. "Well, it just so happens that I'm a leprechaun. Not only are all leprechauns blessed with such a tool, but we're also blessed with the ability to grant them upon others. All you need to do is to let me use mine upon you. Would you be wantin' one?"

"Hey, sorry man. I'm not into that!" The guy starts to walk out the door. He notices that there's nobody around. He thinks "It'll only be once, no one will ever know, and I'll have a foot-long for the rest of my life!"

He returns to the little man, and agrees. They assume the position.

"Tell me, laddy, what's your name?"

"Jiiiim!" the man forces out whilst being reamed.

"Tell me, Jim, where're you from?"

"Cleeeveland!"

"Now, Jim from Cleveland, how old are you?"

"37!"

The little man braces for his big finish, then pats the man on the ass. "One last question, Jim. How is that you got to be 37 years old . . . and you still believe in leprechauns?"


A short sick one:
Why was Jesus crucified instead of being stoned to death?
So that Catholics could cross themselves when they pray . . . instead of beating themselves senseless with their fists!

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Stalean 
"Back...OMG"

United States

Posted - 02/10/2006 :  14:23:30  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!," he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said "On your way, Ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Arse-Naked and holding his "You-Know-What" in his hand. "Oh, good grief," yelled Ethel, "Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!"
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Wheelz 
"FWFR%u2019ing like it%u2019s 1999"

United States

Posted - 06/10/2006 :  00:27:13  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to
the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch
of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody
in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The
room is quiet
and no one takes up the Texan's offer.

One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman
who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.
"Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10
pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10
of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't
mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were
gone?".

The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the
street to see if I could do it first".
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MguyX 
"X marks the spot"

United States

Posted - 19/10/2006 :  06:10:49  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 8 miles a day.

One day, he took a look in the mirror and noticed that he was tanned all over except his "thingie."

He decided to do something about it. He went to the beach, completely undressed himself and buried himself in the sand, except for his "thingie" which he left sticking up.

Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane.

Upon seeing the "thingie" sticking up through the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other lady, "There's no justice in the world."

The other lady asked what she meant.

She said, "When I was 20, I was curious about it.

When I was 30, I enjoyed it.

When I was 40, I begged for it.

When I was 50, I paid for it.

When I was 60, I prayed for it.

When I was 70, I forgot about it.

Now I am 80 and the damn things are growing wild on the beach and I'm too old to squat."
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