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"Four your eyes only."

Eastern Suburbs, Melbourne, Australia

Posted - 19/10/2006 :  06:41:25  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
What's a "thingie"?
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"X marks the spot"

Posted - 19/10/2006 :  19:43:43  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
A whatchamacallit.

Edited by - MguyX on 19/10/2006 19:43:57
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Paddy C 
"Does not compute! Lame!"


Posted - 20/10/2006 :  11:51:37  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Murphy calls to see his sick mate Paddy. Paddy says, "me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"
"No bother" says Murphy and runs upstairs, where Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters are sat on their bed.

"Hello der girls, ur dad sent me up here to shag ya both" he says.

"Shag off ya liar," they say.

"I'll prove it" says Murphy. So he shouts down the stairs,

"Both of them, Paddy?"

"Course, whats the use of just ****in' one!?"
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"Because I said so!"

United States

Posted - 25/10/2006 :  14:04:22  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Jesus is walking around Heaven one day when he comes upon St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Hey, St. Peter," Jesus says, "how's it going?"

"Oh, pretty good," the saint replies, "but I need to ask you a favor. I really need to use the bathroom, could you cover for me for a quick minute?"

"No problem, what do I have to do?"

"It's real easy," St. Peter tells Jesus. "People come in, you welcome them, ask them about their jobs and their families . . . just make them feel at home."

Jesus agrees, and is left at the Gates for a few minutes. Then, an elderly man appears through the clouds and makes his way to the entrance.

"Hi, I'm Jesus, welcome to Heaven! What did you do for a living?"

"I was a carpenter," the man replies.

"Really?!?! You were a carpenter?!?! Wow! Did you have any family?"

The man looks a bit sad. "Well, I had a son, but I lost him."

Jesus perks up even further. "You were a carpenter, and you had a son but you lost him?!?!?!?! What did he look like?"

"Oh, he had holes in his hands and his feet."

Jesus almost leaps out of his aura. "You were a carpenter? You had a son but you lost him?! And your son had holes in his hands and his feet?!?!?! . . . DAD??????"

The old man brightens up. . . . .

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See Fourum for details.

Posted - 25/10/2006 :  15:42:23  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Originally posted by MguyX

A whatchamacallit.

A tallywhacker.
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"Long mired in film"


Posted - 02/11/2006 :  22:25:52  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Herewith, for our beloved leader, is the Canonical List of Banjo Jokes:
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United States

Posted - 15/12/2006 :  20:42:26  Show Profile  Reply with Quote

* 1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

* 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

* 3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

* 4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

* 5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....

* 6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

* 7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

* 8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

* 9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

* 10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder -- - Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,

Merry Christmas!

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"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."

New Zealand

Posted - 15/12/2006 :  21:15:59  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
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"teil mann, teil maschine"


Posted - 27/12/2006 :  23:25:20  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Rabbit walks into a cafe and orders a Cheese and Onion Toastie. The next day the Rabbit returns and orders a Ham Toastie. Very soon the Rabbit keels over and Dies.

Cause of Death ? - "Mixing ma Toasties"
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"last watched: Sausage Party"

Posted - 28/12/2006 :  21:31:12  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
a man comes home from work and tells his wife, 'honey, bob's coming over for dinner tonight.'
the wife starts screaming at him, 'why tonight? i'm not dressed, the house is a wreck, the kids are running wild and i haven't started cooking anything! why the hell did you invite him tonight?'
husband says, 'because he's thinking about getting married.'
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"teil mann, teil maschine"


Posted - 03/01/2007 :  01:06:48  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
A man is sitting at a Bar when a Drunk comes up to him and says

" You know what? I'm gonna finish this here Drink and you know what i'm Gonna Do? I'm gonna screw your momma ! "

The man at the Bar turns slowly and replies

" I think you've had enough to Drink, Dad! "
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"teil mann, teil maschine"


Posted - 03/01/2007 :  01:17:02  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
The Troops are in town and end up in the Brothel. Theres a few Drinks taken and the Sarge is telling everyone who will listen how he he " Likes them witha Big P**sy".

Anyway after several hours its the turn of the newest recruit. He nervously goes to the Room and gets down to Business with the Girl. She moans that she wants more , so he puts his hand in as well.

Thats not enough so he puts his other hand in . She wants more , so in goes his right foot. Its just not helping , so the other foot goes in.

Pretty soon he's completely in the Dark so he flicks on his Cigarette Lighter.

He sees the Sarge and a couple of his platoon.

" What are you doing in here Sarge?" he asks

" Never mind that " says the Sarge " Lets get this Jeep outta here! "
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Chris C 
"Four words, never backwards."

Posted - 03/01/2007 :  22:55:44  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise".

The waitress brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.

He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waitress over, explains what is happening and demands an explanation.

"Please sir," says the waitress, "what you order?"

The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

"Ah... so solly," says the waitress, "I bring you Peeking Duck."

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Chris C 
"Four words, never backwards."

Posted - 22/01/2007 :  17:57:20  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
A Blonde's Cookbook

Monday: It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

Tuesday: Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So, I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper.

Wednesday: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly, but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.

Thursday: Today Tom asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.

Friday: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

Saturday: Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. For some reason, Tom keeps counting to ten.

Sunday: Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast, but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly, I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

Well, good night, dear diary. This has been a very exciting week.
I am eager for tomorrow to come, so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with chocolate moose....

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"Kitty Lover"

United States

Posted - 27/01/2007 :  18:22:26  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
John Madden was in San Diego to announce a football game one weekend when he noticed a special telephone near the Charger bench. He asked Rivers what it was used for and was told it was a hotline to God. John asked if he could use it. Rivers replied, “Sure, but it will cost you $200.” John scratched his head, then thought, what the heck, I could use some help picking games. He pulled out his wallet and paid $200. John’s picks were perfect that week.

The next week John was in New England when he noticed that same kind of phone on the Patriots bench. He asked what the telephone was for and Tom Brady told him, “It’s a hotline to God. If you want to use it, it will cost you $500.” Recalling last week, John pulled out his wallet and made the call. John’s picks were perfect again that week.

The next weekend John was in Indianapolis when he noticed the same kind of telephone by the Colts bench. He asked Peyton Manning, “Is that the hotline to God?” Peyton said, “Yes, and if you want to use it, it will cost you 35 cents.” John looked incredulously at Manning and said, “Wait a second, I just paid $200. in San Diego and $500 in New England to use the same phone to God! Why do the Colts only charge 35 cents?” Peyton looked at John and replied, “Because in Indiana, it’s a local call.”

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