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Chris C 
"Four words, never backwards."

Posted - 29/12/2010 :  17:29:12  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
A small boy was lost in a huge shopping mall.

Looking around frantically tears began to roll down his face.

A uniformed security guard approached and asked what was the matter?

"I've lost my Granddad" he cried.

The guard asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Pints of Guinness, and women with big tits."



"I entered the snail race the last few years but never one, so I decided to take off its shell to make it more aerodynamic"

"Did it work?"

"No, if anything it made it more sluggish."
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Wheelz 
"Double Your Pleasure!"

United States

Posted - 26/01/2011 :  21:31:10  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
An old woman went to her doctor complaining that she was constantly passing gas. "In fact," she said, "I've farted several times since I've been sitting here talking to you. Even though they're completely silent and odorless, it's still annoying. Can you help me?" The doctor gave her a bottle of pills and told her to come back in a week.

When she returned, the doctor asked her how she was doing. "Even worse!" she exclaimed. "I'm still farting all the time. They're still odorless, but now they make a terrible noise!"

"Good," replied the doctor. "Now that we've fixed your hearing, let's work on your sense of smell."

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bife 
"Winners never quit ... fwfr ... "

Singapore

Posted - 18/02/2011 :  23:37:23  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
A woman goes to Doctor with a bit of lettuce hanging from her crotch, Doc says "that looks nasty," "Nasty she says, that's just the tip of the iceberg."
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Sean 
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."

New Zealand

Posted - 04/04/2011 :  06:41:30  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
A family are driving behind a rubbish truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry, that was just an insect", to which her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."
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Improper Username 
"inappropriately amused"

Posted - 12/04/2011 :  18:29:06  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
How to Start a Fight


One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started.....

______________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply
saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

________________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me..

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and
when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will
always have a limp.
________________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping
channels. She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started....

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and
proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed... I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And that's how the fight started......

________________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver
hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest
is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application..

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants.
You might have gotten disability, too.'

And that's how the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And that's how the fight started........

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Sean 
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."

New Zealand

Posted - 16/04/2011 :  04:52:49  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
I said to this girl, "Did you know the Argentine blue-bill duck has for its size, the largest penis of any vertebrate, over half it's body length?"

"Get out of here," she said.

"It's true," I replied, "and did you know that the blue whale ejaculates around five gallons of sperm?"

"No, get out of here," she said again, "this is the ladies toilets, you fucking pervert."
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MguyX 
"John Travolting."

Posted - 24/04/2011 :  18:55:58  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
One fellow asked another what was the most exciting way to have sex with a woman.

"I like to do it Texas style. That's when you mount her from behind, reach forward and cup her breasts and then whisper in her ear, 'These feel just like you mother's' and hang on."
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Chris C 
"Four words, never backwards."

Posted - 24/06/2011 :  21:10:03  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
I was at church last night and after the service and potluck we all went into the chapel for some games. The first one was a trivia contest. I am pretty good at this stuff and got to the finals.

Well, I am sorry to say that I was in it until the last question, but I lost the trivia contest by one point and was totally embarrassed.

The last question was: "Where do most women have curly hair?"

.......so I shouted out my answer.......









Apparently the correct answer is: Africa



And I can't play trivia at church anymore.
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Chris C 
"Four words, never backwards."

Posted - 27/06/2011 :  10:38:27  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
I met a beautiful woman woman by the lake the other day. There was an instant spark between us and she fell at my feet. As we laid there, making love, I thought to myself ... those Tazers are well worth the money...


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Sean 
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."

New Zealand

Posted - 15/07/2011 :  00:14:34  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
http://i.imgur.com/lwxvX.jpg

Make sure you read the comments. Dirty joke warning I guess.
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Sean 
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."

New Zealand

Posted - 28/07/2011 :  00:07:50  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
WARNING! Bad taste current-event joke follows. No sympathy will be extended to those who don't understand the concept (and hilarity) of sick jokes and choose to ignore the warning:-
.
.
.

Amy Winehouse arrives at the Pearly Gates. There is a huge queue in front of her.
St Peter says, "Hey Amy, you can go straight to the front of the queue".
Amy says, "Why do I get to queue-jump? Is it because I'm famous?"
St Peter says, "No, it's because we're still waiting for a Norwegian translator."
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ChocolateLady 
"500 Chocolate Delights"

Israel

Posted - 28/07/2011 :  07:45:28  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
quote:
Originally posted by Seán

WARNING! Bad taste current-event joke follows. No sympathy will be extended to those who don't understand the concept (and hilarity) of sick jokes and choose to ignore the warning:-
.
.
.

Amy Winehouse arrives at the Pearly Gates. There is a huge queue in front of her.
St Peter says, "Hey Amy, you can go straight to the front of the queue".
Amy says, "Why do I get to queue-jump? Is it because I'm famous?"
St Peter says, "No, it's because we're still waiting for a Norwegian translator."




Ouch!

Sort of reminds me of this old one:

After Yitzhak Rabin was killed he went to heaven. There he was greeted by the welcoming commitee, and was told that in heaven each person can choose what type of house he wants to leave in for eternity.

Rabin says that before choosing what type of house he would like for eternity, he would first like to have a look around heaven to see what type of houses people have.

He starts his tour, and suddenly he sees a huge fancy building, that looks like Ma'arat Hamachpela (the Cave of the Patriarchs). He knocks on the door and Baruch Goldstein opens the door.

Rabin asks him "Well, I see you live in a very nice house. About how long did it take you to build this house?"

Goldstein says: "It took only 2 weeks."

Rabin goes back to the person in charge, to tell him he has already decided what house he wants: "I want to live in a house that looks like the Knesset" Rabin says.

The person in charge tells him that will be OK, they will start building the Knesset house for him immediately.

Rabin then asks how much time will the construction take.

And they tell him it will take about 3 years to build.

Rabin complains: "3 years!!! But you built Goldstein's house in only 2 weeks!!!"

So they tell him: "Yes that's right but, HE BROUGHT HIS OWN WORKERS!!!"
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Sean 
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."

New Zealand

Posted - 11/08/2011 :  03:06:14  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
^ I had to check out those links before I could 'get it'; I remember the event but had no idea of the name of the place or perpetrator.
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Sean 
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."

New Zealand

Posted - 11/08/2011 :  03:07:09  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
On the bus this morning I saw a beautiful Thai girl, wearing a mini-skirt, legs slightly apart... I kept thinking to myself, "please don't get a hard-on, please don't get a hard-on"... but she did.
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Chris C 
"Four words, never backwards."

Posted - 07/09/2011 :  22:20:09  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Hers'e four for the price of one...



The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza shop and asks "Can you make me one with everything?"


"That'll be $6 please" says the cashier. The Dalai Lama passes over a $10 bill.
The cashier puts the note in the till and closes it.
"What about my change?" asks the Dali Lama.
"Change comes from within." replies the cashier.


The Dalai Lama admitted this was true, and ate his Pizza, but it gave him bad breath and bothered his sore tooth.

The Dalai Lama then walked to the dentist to get a filling. Although old and frail, he walked often, and he walked barefoot, as evidenced by the thickness of the soles of his feet. It is for this reason he is known as the "super-calloused fragile mystic exhibiting halitosis."


The dentist inspected the Dalai Lama's tooth, and said he could fill the cavity right then. When he offered to use Novacaine, the Dalai Lama declined, saying he wanted to transcend dental medication.
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