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Chris C 
"Four words, never backwards."
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 Posted - 06/05/2012 : 10:57:03
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Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.
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Chris C
"Four words, never backwards."
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Posted - 06/05/2012 : 10:58:47
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'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland . I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'
'Well Paddy', Sarkozy replied, 'How big is your army?'
'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'
Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'
'Begorra!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'
'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.
'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'
Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'
'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'
Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200, 000!'
'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'
'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'
'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.
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TitanPa
"Here four more"
United States
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Posted - 07/05/2012 : 17:20:02
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It was the first day of Grade Three in a new town for Johnny. As a test, his teacher went around the
room and asked each of the students to count to 50. Some did very well, counting as high as 30
or 40 with just a few mistakes. Others couldn't get past 20. Johnny, however, did extremely well;
he counted past 50, right up to 100 without any mistakes. He was so excited that he ran home
and told his Dad how well he had done. His Dad nodded and told him, "That's because you are
from Alabama, son." The next day, in language class, the teacher asked the students to recite the
alphabet. It's Grade Three, so most could make it half way through without much trouble. Some
made it to S or T, but Johnny rattled off the alphabet perfectly right to the end. That evening,
Johnny once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school. His Dad, knowingly,
explained to him, "That's because you are from Alabama, son." The next day, after Physical
Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnny noted that, compared to the other boys in his
grade, he seemed overly "well endowed". This confused him. That night he told his Dad. "Dad,
they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from
Alabama?" he asked. "No, son," explained his Dad, "That's because you're 18." |
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TitanPa
"Here four more"
United States
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Posted - 07/05/2012 : 17:24:20
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Scientist today exhumed Beethoven from his grave, when they opened the coffin, they were shocked to see him playing the piano backwards.
When asked what this meant a spokesman said he was de-composing. |
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TitanPa
"Here four more"
United States
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Posted - 07/05/2012 : 17:26:31
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Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbled across a monastery and requested shelter there.
Fortunately, she was just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she had ever tasted.
After dinner, she strolled into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She was met by two of the Brothers.
They welcomed her with, "Hello, I am brother Michael and this is Brother
Charles."
"I am very pleased to meet you both," replied the nun, "I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever had. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"
Brother Charles replied, "Well, thank you sister. I am the fish friar."
She turned to Brother Michael and said, "then you must be....?"
"Yes, sister," interrupted Brother Michael you are correct. I am the chip monk." |
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Sean 
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
New Zealand
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Posted - 06/07/2013 : 12:51:48
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Need to be immortalised here...
Too clever by half: 25 highbrow jokes
1. A photon checks into a hotel and the porter asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies: �No, I�m travelling light.�
2. �Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?�
3. What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac spend most of his time doing? Staying up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
4. A TCP packet walks into a bar, and says to the barman: �Hello, I�d like a beer.� The barman replies: �Hello, you�d like a beer?� �Yes,� replies the TCP packet, �I�d like a beer.�
5. An electron is driving down a motorway, and a policeman pulls him over. The policeman says: �Sir, do you realise you were travelling at 130km per hour?� The electron goes: �Oh great, now I�m lost.�
6. Pavlov is enjoying a pint in the pub. The phone rings. He jumps up and shouts: �Hell, I forgot to feed the dog!�
7. How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A fish.
8. There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don�t.
9. When I heard that oxygen and magnesium hooked up I was like OMg.
10. The barman says: �We don�t serve faster-than-light particles here.� A tachyon enters a bar.
11. A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says: �Make me one with everything�.
12. What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
13. An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are walking down the street together. A juggler is performing on the street but there are so many people that the four men can�t see the juggler. So the juggler goes on top of a platform and asks: �Can you see me now?� The four men answer: �Yes.� �Oui.� �Si.� �Ja.�
14. Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
15. How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, it�s a hardware problem.
16. A student travelling on a train looks up and sees Einstein sitting next to him. Excited, he asks: �Excuse me, professor. Does Boston stop at this train?�
17. Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on a technicality.
18. Werner Heisenberg, Kurt G�del, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says: �Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it�s funny or not?� G�del replies: �We can�t know that because we�re inside the joke.� Chomsky says: �Of course it�s funny. You�re just telling it wrong.�
19. A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says: �Five beers, please.�
20. Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He�s 0K now.
21. An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The bartender says: �What�ll it be, boys?� The first mathematician: �I�ll have one half of a beer.� The second mathematician: �I�ll have one quarter of a beer.� The third mathematician: �I�ll have one eight of a beer.� The fourth mathematician: �I�ll have one sixteenth of a�� The bartender interrupts: �Know your limits, boys� as he pours out a single beer.
22. What does the �B� in Benoit B Mandelbrot stand for? Answer: Benoit B Mandelbrot.
23. Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French caf�, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress: �I�d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.� The waitress replies: �I�m sorry, Monsieur, but we�re out of cream. How about with no milk?�
24. A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: �Euripides?� The professor replies: �Yes. Eumenides?�
25. A programmer�s wife tells him: �Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.� The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
From here:- http://www.independent.co.uk/news/science/the-most-highbrow-jokes-in-the-world-what-do-you-get-when-a-boffin-tries-to-be-funny-8691191.html
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Jokes
