| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| Montgomery |
Posted - 03/31/2008 : 01:47:07
Finally found where his transcripts are for his shows since the writers' strike was settled. Thought I'd share one. Funny and true. EM :)
MAHER: It sure does. All right. Time for New Rules, everybody. Thank you, panel. [applause] [cheers] Very funny tonight.
Okay, New Rule: Stop calling an economy spiraling out of control and into recession a �rough patch.� Dick Cheney says not to worry, the U.S. economy is experiencing a �rough patch.� And that President Bush is just going through a stage. [laughter] Folks, this couple went through a rough patch. [shot of New York Governor David Paterson and his wife] The U.S. economy is more like this couple. [shot of Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston] [laughter] [applause]
New Rule: Don�t get rid of the penny. Rename it the dollar. [laughter] [applause] Cheer up, America. You�re not penniless; you�re dollar-more! [laughter] You can kill two birds with one stone, and then eat those birds over a trash fire in your shanty-town under the overpass. [laughter] [applause]
New Rule: As far as I�m concerned Cherry Chocolate Diet Dr. Pepper still doesn�t have enough shit going on. [laughter] [applause] I need Caffeine-Free Cherry Chocolate Diet Dr. Pepper. [laughter] No, no, no. I need Cool Ranch Extreme Caffeine-Free Cherry Chocolate Diet Dr. Pepper. [laughter] And baked. And I want a sticker on it telling kids that drugs are bad. [laughter]
New Rule: If your news organization�s website has more than three pictures of Eliot Spitzer�s hooker on it, you�re a porn site. [laughter] [applause] The only difference: on a porn site, �spitzer� is a verb. [laughter] [applause]
New Rule: On the day you face the press about your extra-maritable � extra-maritable? [laughter] � extra-marital sexual escapades, leave the wife at home. [applause] She�s already humiliated. And now you�re going to drag her in front of every legitimate media outlet known to man. And Fox News?! [laughter] [applause] Besides, these pictures don�t say, �Look at my wife, still by my side.� They say, �Look at my wife. Can you blame me?� [laughter mixed with groans] You�ll get over it.
And finally, New Rule: Old soldiers never die. They get young soldiers killed. This week, John McCain said for the third time in two days that Iran, a Shiite stronghold, was training Al Qaeda, a militant Sunni organization. That the Hatfields of the Muslim world would be working with the McCoys, is so not true even Dick Cheney hasn�t said it. [laughter]
Now, the press, which loves McCain because he feeds them barbecue�[laughter]�dismissed this as just one of those senior moments � not to worry, he�s only going to have his finger on the nuclear trigger. laughter]
But, it�s not just a gaffe. It�s what McCain really thinks. And therein lies the paradox of this campaign. McCain�s strength is really his weakness. He�s a warrior who�s dumb about war. [applause]
Now, if you ever read The Art of War, chapter three of The Art of War says, �Know thy enemy.� And John McCain plainly doesn�t. He thinks the solution is our presence in the Middle East. No, the problem is our presence in the Middle East. That�s why I don�t care if John McCain is better than Bush on global warming or torture or campaign finance, because he�s exactly the same as Bush on the war. They both don�t get the same thing.
That, as long as we�re setting up shop in the heart of the Arab world, we�re not keeping America safer. Bin Laden goes ballistic over cartoons in Danish newspapers. And �Goober� and �Grandpa� want to put up a Hooters in Fallouja. [laughter]
They don�t hate us for our freedom. They hate us for our fiefdom. Winning the war on terror comes down to this: what will make us safer from pissed-off Arab teenagers who are willing to die? There are a number of good answers to that question, but occupying their land for the next hundred years is not one of them.
Some people look at McCain and see a tough guy who�s going to protect us from the Islamofascists. I look at him and see a walking Tom Clancy action figure who�s going to get us all killed. [laughter]
And yet a new poll shows that a majority of Americans believe John McCain is the candidate best qualified to answer when that red phone rings at three a.m. Because he�d be up anyway trying to pee. [laughter] [applause]
Yes, 55% of Americans think it�s McCain who should answer that phone, because they know John McCain is a warrior. He will not waver or hesitate. He will answer that phone and give the order that sends men to die. And it will turn out to be a recording asking him if he�s happy with his mortgage. [laughter]
Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. [applause] |
| 8 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| Montgomery |
Posted - 04/21/2008 : 16:42:21
This was a great one. From this past Friday. EM :)
MAHER: And now it is time, ladies and gentlemen, for New Rules! [applause] [cheers] New Rules.
Okay, New Rule: [slide of movie posters for �Made of Honor� and �Prom Night�] If women stop making every movie about getting married, men will stop making every movie about killing you. [laughter]
New Rule: You shouldn�t have to pay for a stamp to mail your taxes. [applause] [cheers] You are sending your money to the same people who sell you the stamp. [laughter] It�s like a collection agency calling you collect. [laughter] [applause] [cheers]
New Rule: Airlines should just get it over with and start putting passengers in the cargo hold. [laughter] [applause] Let�s face it. You�ve already taken away the leg room, the food, the pillows. The only thing left is to tag us, load us onto the conveyor belt�[laughter]�and let us fight over who gets to sleep on the bag of mail. [laughter]
New Rule: The Pope must wear a slip. [laughter] [applause] I�m sorry, but some people just shouldn�t do �casual Friday.� [laughter] And, I don�t understand. Usually, the Catholic Church is so good about covering things up. [laughter mixed with hoots] [applause] [cheers]
New Rule: Crappy companies don�t get to merge with other crappy companies. [laughter] [applause] This week, Blockbuster Video announced a hostile takeover of Circuit City. What a brilliant idea. The two places nobody goes anymore finally under one roof. [laughter] Blockbuster�s plan is to combine their expertise in never having the video you want�[laughter]�with Circuit City�s high-pressure sales staff of ignorant teenagers�[laughter]�to create the ultimate in horrible retail experiences. [laughter] [applause]
And finally, New Rule: Referring to voters who America has left behind economically as �bitter� isn�t an insult. In fact, it�s a compliment, acknowledging that they�re smart enough to understand what�s happening to them.
The hopeful, now those are some idiots. [laughter] [applause]
So � so, let�s separate the bitter � my people � from the idiots. If you think the Democrats are going to take away your Bible, you�re an idiot. If you think they�re going to take away your gun, you�re an armed idiot. [laughter] And if you think they�re going to take away your gun and give it to a Mexican to kill your God, you�re Bill O�Reilly. [laughter] [applause] [cheers]
Now, at the end of last week when Barack Obama ignited the �bitter-gate� scandal, you would have thought that he had scaled Mount Rushmore, dick-slapped Jefferson in the face�[laughter]�and spray painted �God damn America� over Lincoln. [laughter] But, he wasn�t lying. The truth is that religion and guns and hating gays and immigrants, are crutches that people lean on. So are fast-food, crystal meth and child beauty pageants, but we don�t have time to tackle all of America�s addictions in one night. [laughter]
So, let�s focus on the big thing. That the people who claim to be the �non-elitists,� are the ones who constantly shift tax burdens from the people who fire you, to you. John McCain voted to repeal the estate tax, voted against raising the minimum wage, has no health care plan, and is fine with keeping the working class in Iraq for a hundred years. But, he�s a real �man of the people.�
And the president went to Harvard and Yale, and inherited your country from his dad. But, he�s not an elitist because he can neither read nor write. [laughter] [applause] [cheers]
What does it take to label someone �elitist� these days anyway? They wear shoes? [laughter] They don�t buy their groceries at the gas station? Their dog has a name and their truck doesn�t?! [laughter]
You know who is bitter in America? I am. Because shit-kickers voted twice for a retarded guy they wanted to have a beer with, and everybody else had to suffer the consequences! [applause] [cheers]
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| ChocolateLady |
Posted - 04/04/2008 : 09:18:16
Ohh. Some tough ones in this one. Thanks! |
| Montgomery |
Posted - 04/03/2008 : 18:16:12
Here's another one I loved:
MAHER: [overlapping]�for New Rules, everybody. [applause] New Rules.
New Rule: No more pictures of the candidates eating. We don�t need to see Obama and his ice cream cone, or Hillary pretending she likes corndogs, or McCain removing his teeth and gumming his Gordita�[laughter]�into a soft, water paste. [laughter] You want to watch a politician shove something into his mouth? Try the airport bathroom. [laughter and hoots] [applause]
New Rule: Leaders of real democracies don�t dress like Bond villains. [photo of Putin and Medvedev] Here�s Vladimir Putin with his sidekick, Oddjob. [laughter] I mean Dimitri Medvedev, the new president of Russia. They look like the two oldest guys at a Depeche Mode concert. [laughter] [applause] But, still, I can�t wait to read Putin�s new memoir, The Audacity of Poisoning Your Enemies With a Radioactive Isotope. [laughter] [applause]
New Rule: Getting up close and personal with sharks doesn�t make you a wildlife enthusiast. It makes you dinner. [laughter] An Austrian tourist wanted to get face to face with sharks, so he went diving in waters baited with bloody fish parts and he got ate. [laughter] A friend was asked to describe the man. He needed only two words, �Good chum.� [laughter] [applause] I thought that was funny, too. Think about it.
New Rule: Scientists in Japan have to start working on something other than a lifelike robot they can have sex with. [laughter] It�s hard to believe in the early �90s, we actually thought Japanese technology was going to squash us. Now, we realize it was all going to make this woman�s face look real when she says, �Oh, you so big, you monster!� [laughter] Besides, there�s an easier way to enjoy pseudo-lifelike, robotic sex. [whispers] Get married. [laughters and oohs] [applause] I�with love, I say that. Exactly.
New Rule � New Rule: I�m not dying to know what Nicole Richie will do now. I want to know what the hell she ever did before! [laughter] [applause]
And finally, New Rule: Politicians must stop saying, �The American people are smarter than that.� No, they aren�t. [laughter] [applause] [cheers] If the Bush era has taught us anything, it�s that voters want a president carved from their own image. [photo of Bush making funny face] Someone who doesn�t like to read, will believe anything he�s told, and is easily distracted by bright, shiny objects. [laughter]
Now, this week, Hillary Clinton got back in the race by fighting back, which is political talk for saying stuff about an opponent that works. When the phone rings at three a.m., Hillary is the experienced military genius I automatically want answering the phone because�why? The only three a.m. emergency call she�s ever dealt with was her husband begging her to come down to the police station with five hundred dollars and a pair of pants. [laughter]
How is it that in the information age, it�s almost impossible to get actual information to the public? That Barack Obama is a Christian, not a Muslim, is not an opinion or a controversy. It�s an easily verifiable fact. But, in the darkness of ignorance there are no facts anymore. Evolution is just a theory. Global warming needs more study. Saddam might have been behind 9/11. And the surge is working.
What can�t you convince people of just by saying it? �John McCain is a cyborg.� [laughter] [applause] �He�s a cyborg made from the spare parts of Freddie Mercury and the stem cells of aborted fetuses.� [laughter] There, I said it. It�s true. And you know it�s true, because when I wrote it on the Internet, I didn�t add �LOL.� [laughter]
You know, it used to be kind of forgivable to not know anything. Maybe you went to high school in America. [laughter] Or you watch a lot of reality TV, or you�re a Baptist. [laughter] [applause]
CHIDEYA: You just can�t let one get past.
MAHER: But, now there�s the Internet and Google. Information is everywhere. You know that computer thing that the Nigerians keep using to get your pin number? [laughter] You can also use it to find out stuff. If you think Obama is a Muslim, or John McCain has an illegitimate black baby, or Obama is that baby? [laughter] That�s not an opinion. You�re just stubbornly uniformed.
So, let me spell a few things out for you. Is Obama a Muslim. NO HE ISN�T. [words are supered at bottom of screen] [laughter] Was Saddam behind September 11? NO HE WASN�T. [some audience members join in] [laughter]
And while we�re at it, NEITHER WAS BUSH. [laughter] How do we know Bush wasn�t behind September 11? Because it worked. [laughter] [applause] [cheers]
And, it involved PLANNING. [laughter]
Thank you very much. That�s our show, folks. [applause]
 |
| Montgomery |
Posted - 04/01/2008 : 19:15:09
quote:
Originally posted by turrell
It will be interesting to see how a liberal comedian will treat a President Obama - he's such a media darling - it easy to see the Maher take on McCain and even Clinton for that matter, but Obama - maybe he'll vote for Hillary for the comedy.
Yeh. He made no bones about it when Bush stayed in office, that 4 more years of President Bozo was a good thing for him, since he works in political comedy. But, Obama isn't perfect. I'm sure there will be things here and there for Bill to chide him about. Although, come on, there's no way anyone (even McCain) can match the fodder this administration has supplied.
Or am I just hopeful for a less corrupt future?
EM :) |
| turrell |
Posted - 03/31/2008 : 22:08:35
It will be interesting to see how a liberal comedian will treat a President Obama - he's such a media darling - it easy to see the Maher take on McCain and even Clinton for that matter, but Obama - maybe he'll vote for Hillary for the comedy. |
| Montgomery |
Posted - 03/31/2008 : 14:27:44
I don't think he's said for sure. But he's leaning Obama, I believe.
EM :) |
| ChocolateLady |
Posted - 03/31/2008 : 06:59:17
Hehehe. Yeah, I loved that one.
And good question, turrell.
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| turrell |
Posted - 03/31/2008 : 05:45:22
who does he like for pres? Obama or Clinton? |
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