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MguyX 
"X marks the spot"
United States
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 Posted - 15/01/2004 : 18:46:13
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If you've gat a good joke (or a really bad one), share it.
Here's one of each:
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9.
A boy asked his father what the difference was between the words "potentially" and "realistically." The father said, "Son, do as I tell you and you'll figure it out."
Eager to please and eager to learn, the boy agreed. The father said, "Ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for one million dollars. Then ask your sis ter if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for one million dollars. Then, go ask your brother if he would sleep with Tom Cruise for one million dollars."
The boy went to his mother. "Mom?" he asked, "If someone offered you one million dollars to sleep with Robert Redford, would you do it?" The mother blushed and replied, "Well, son Robert Redford was quite the charm in my day, and as much as I love your father, I'd have to say yes."
The boy went to his sister. "Sis, if someone offered you one million dollars to sleep with Brd Pitt, would you do it?" The sister, busy preening in the mirror, replied, "Are you nuts? Of course I would. Hell, I'd do Brad Pitt for free."
The boy went to his brother. "Yo, bro! If someone offered you one million dollars to sleep with Tom Cruise, would you do it?" The brother looked at the boy and smirked. "Do you know what I could buy with a million dollars? Hell yeah I would!"
The boy returned to his father and said, "Dad, I think I've figured out the difference between the two words:
Potentially, we're sitting on three million dollars. Realistically, we're living with two sluts and a homosexual."
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Edited by - MguyX on 15/01/2004 18:47:54 |
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MguyX
"X marks the spot"
United States
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Posted - 15/01/2004 : 18:53:55
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A man received his paycheck one Friday and decided to blow it all on a weekend of revelry. Having been gone for three days, he returned home, stinking, to his disgruntled wife.
She immediately accosted him. "What the hell's wrong with you? Where have you been?" The husband ignored her.
I haven't seen you for three days and you've got nothing to say?! How would you like it if you didn't see me for three days?"
The husband replied, still a little tipsy, "I'd like that just fine."
So, one day passed, and the husband didn't see his wife.
Two days passed, and the husband didn't see his wife.
Three days passed, and the husband didn't see his wife.
Then, on the fourth day, when the swelling began to go down, the husband could see her just a little bit out of the right eye.
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shoon 
"Five(ish?) years as a fwiffer"
Sheffield, Yorkshire, England
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Posted - 15/01/2004 : 19:42:45
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That realistically and potentially one is great. 
A man walks into a bar. He hears a man playing a beautiful song on the piano. He walks over and asks
'What's this song called?'
The pianist replies,
'Screw you bitch.'
Surprised, the man questions further, only to find out that the song is called 'screw you bitch'. He goes back to the bar.
After a few drinks, he hears another beautiful piece. He asks what this one is called.
'You're a dirty slag'.
The man asks the pianist to play at his party, held a few days later. The pianist says
'Sure'.
The pianist turns up at the party (rudeness coming up - explicit sexual reference  )
The man tells him where the piano is, and asks if he needs anything.
'Well, I would like to have a wank first'. The man points out the toilet and tells the pianist to be quick.
Five minutes later, the pianist reappears in a terrible state. The man asks him,
'Do you know your penis is hanging out?'
'Know it?' the pianist replies. 'I wrote it!' 
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Al Swearengen
"Sneaking in an extra word."
USA
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Posted - 15/01/2004 : 23:17:29
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Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, her husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion:
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds. Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
"How long will this take?" she asks.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
The wife stops. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat the husband says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
He still lives, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again. Stupid, stupid man.
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rri1
"Mistaken for Wayne Knight!"
USA
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Posted - 16/01/2004 : 20:40:24
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Two cows are out standing in their field, watching the grass grow. One cow says to the other, "I am really scared about this Mad Cow thing going around."
The other cow replied, "I am not too worried about it."
The first cow said, "Really! It scares me to death! Collpsing, not being able to stand up and going crazy over time, not knowing who you are. That doesn't scare you?"
"Yeah it might, but it doesn't affect us chickens!"
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Stalean
"Back...OMG"
United States
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Posted - 17/01/2004 : 17:14:42
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Bad
One-Armed Man
Q: How do you get a one-armed man out of a tree?
A: Wave at him.
Good - Long
Showers: Men Vs. Women
How To Shower Like A Woman...
* Take off clothing and place it in sectional laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
* Walk to bathroom wearing long bathrobe. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.
* Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your butt so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.
* Get in shower. Look for face-cloth, arm-cloth, leg-cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
* Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
* Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
* Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on for 15 minutes.
* Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red and raw.
* Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
* Rinse conditioner off of hair (this takes at least 15 minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).
* Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
* Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure.
* Turn off shower.
* Squeegee off all wet surfaces in the shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
* Get out of the shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African country.
* Wrap hair in super-absorbent second towel.
* Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with extractor with lance if found.
* Return to bedroom wearing bathrobe and towel on head.
* If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and then rush to the bedroom to spend an hour-and-a-half getting dressed.
How To Shower Like A Man...
* Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
* Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her making the ''woo, woo'' sound.
* Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see your pecs. Admire the size of your penis in the mirror, scratch your balls.
* Get in shower. Don't bother looking for a washcloth. You don't use one.
* Wash your face.
* Wash your armpits.
* Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
* Wash your privates and surronding area.
* Wash your ass, leaving hair on the soap bar.
* Shampoo your hair. Do not use conditioner.
* Make a shampoo Mohawk.
* Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
* Pee (in the shower). 
* Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor bacause you left the curtain hanging out of the tub when you checked your Mohawk.
* Partially dry off.
* Look at yourself in the mirror (objects may appear larger than they actually are), flex muscles. Admire penis size. 18 inches.  Leave shower curtain open and wet mat on the floor.
* Leave bathroom light and fan on.
* Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your girlfriend/wife, pull off the towel, grab your balls, shout ''Oh yeah, baby!'' and thrust your pelvis at her. 
* Throw wet towel on the bed. Take two minutes to get dressed.
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Conan The Westy
"Father, Faithful Friend, Fwiffer"
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Posted - 19/01/2004 : 01:51:57
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After viewing Mguyx's latest 4 word self-description I was reminded of the following jokes.
Hear about the one about the dyslexic devil-worshipper who sold his soul to Santa?
Or the one about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac who stayed awake all night wondering if there was a dog?
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MattCFC 
"They'll never find me."
England
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Posted - 22/01/2004 : 12:59:30
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Man walks in to a butchers and asks for a side of beef. As he waits for it to be prepared he inquires " Wheres that young lad that usually helps you out?"
The butcher replies "I had to sack him"
" why?"
" He kept putting his dick in the bacon slicer!"
" Really?"
"Yeah"
" that couldnt be good for your bacon slicer?"
" Yeah i know, i had to sack her as well."
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benj clews 
"...."
United Kingdom
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Posted - 22/01/2004 : 13:34:59
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quote:
Originally posted by MattCFC
Man walks in to a butchers and asks for a side of beef. As he waits for it to be prepared he inquires " Wheres that young lad that usually helps you out?"
The butcher replies "I had to sack him"
" why?"
" He kept putting his dick in the bacon slicer!"
" Really?"
"Yeah"
" that couldnt be good for your bacon slicer?"
" Yeah i know, i had to sack her as well."
Peter Kaye at his best! 
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MattCFC
"They'll never find me."
England
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Posted - 22/01/2004 : 13:37:07
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The funniest man to walk the streets of bolton.
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shoon
"Five(ish?) years as a fwiffer"
Sheffield, Yorkshire, England
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Posted - 22/01/2004 : 17:12:18
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I rang up a fish n chip shop and asked 'do you deliver?'
The bloke replied, 'no, we do chicken, lamb and fish'.
Ahhh, Mum wants a Bungalow
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MguyX
"X marks the spot"
United States
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Posted - 23/01/2004 : 10:52:11
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LOL 2 both the previous.
A gent decides he wants to have a costume party and tells all of his friends to come dressed as a human emotion.
The night arrives and his first guest rings the bell. He opens the door to greet an gent dressed entirely in green.
"What emotion are you?" our host asks
"I'm green with envy," replies the guest. Our hosts smiles and ushers him in.
A few moments later, the dorrbell rings again. Our host answers to find a beautiful woman wearing only a feathery pink boa wrapped around all the luscious parts.
Slyly, and not just a little aroused, our host asks, "And which emotion are you?"
She replied, "I'm tickled pink!"
Our host nods and grins, quite wilfully letting her in.
More guests arrive and cover the gamut of emotions.
Finally, the doorbell rings again. Our host answers, only to find to find two naked men, one with his penis poking into a bowl of custard, the other with his penis poked into a pear.
Flustered, he asks, "What the hell are you?"
The one gent replies, in a thick Slavic accent, "Vell, I am fucking dis custad, and dis guy has come in dis pear."
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benj clews
"...."
United Kingdom
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Posted - 23/01/2004 : 11:21:58
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Mguy's joke puts me in mind of another Peter Kaye gag (as best I can remember it)...
A guy turns up at a fancy dress party with a woman on his back.
The host comes up to him and says "So, what have you come dressed as?"
"A tortoise", he replies.
A little confused, the host asks "So who's this?", pointing to the woman on his back.
"That's Michelle!"
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MattCFC
"They'll never find me."
England
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Posted - 23/01/2004 : 13:03:44
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A Psychiatrist enters his office early in the morining to find a young man attempting to saw off his leg with his hand, and a slightly older man hanging from the ceiling.
He approaches the one sitting down and says
" What are you doing there?"
" I'm sawing some wood, what does it look like? But i've come about my friend, he thinks he's a light bulb."
"O.K, if you could just ask him to come down from the ceiling."
" What, and work in the dark, who do you think i am?"
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Stalean
"Back...OMG"
United States
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Posted - 25/01/2004 : 14:40:32
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Ramblings of an Idle Mind
I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one so I'm wearing my garage door opener.
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!
I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.
I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and call it "Pumping Rust."
I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease ....that's when your chest is falling into your drawers!
I know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I wanted to say, "No, it's for company!"
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me they were cramming for their finals. As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.
Not sure who to credit these to, but it sounds like George Carlin.
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Conan The Westy
"Father, Faithful Friend, Fwiffer"
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Posted - 25/01/2004 : 22:22:44
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A man was pulled over for speeding in the lead up to Christmas. He pleaded with the cop to show some festive spirit. The policeman said he'd let the guy off if he could find 3 Christmas items in his car.
The man searched frantically but could only find a card and some wrapping paper. The cop prepared to book him, when the man reached down the backseat and pulled out a pair of ladies knickers.
The policeman asked, "What do they have to do with Christmas?"
The bloke answered, "They're Carol's."
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Jokes
