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thefoxboy 
"Four your eyes only."
Eastern Suburbs, Melbourne, Australia
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 Posted - 03/05/2006 : 05:01:04
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Here's a couple I got in an email.
: On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol
: station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant,
: obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner
: completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
: "Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.
: Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
: As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
: "What are those?, asks the attendant.
: "They're called tees" replies Tiger.
: "Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.
: "They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
: "Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything."
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The Priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the poultry he kept
behind the church but one Saturday night he discovered the cock was missing.
The Priest knew, although it was illegal, that cockfights regularly took
place in the area. He began his search for the bird by questioning the
congregation during Mass. "Has anybody got a cock"? he asked.
All the men stood up. "Ah no" said the priest, "that wasn't what I meant,
has anybody seen a cock?"
All the women stood up.
"Goodness me, no" said the Priest, "has anybody seen a cock that doesn't
belong to them?"
Half the women stood up.
"No, no, no," said the Priest, "What I meant was, has anybody seen MY cock?"
All the Nuns, three altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
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BaftaBaby
"Always entranced by cinema."
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Posted - 03/05/2006 : 09:43:58
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more poultry -- but first ...
Q. What do you get if you cross an elephant with a jar of peanut butter?
A. You either get a jar of peanut butter that never forgets or an elephant that sticks to the roof of your mouth.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
[remember shops? remember chicken?]
A woman goes into a butcher shop for a fresh chicken and sees a couple hanging in the window. She points to one and the butcher
unhooks it, but before he can wrap it up she says, "Let me have a look." So he hands it over. She prods it all over, pokes it and strokes it, then lifts it to her nose and sniffs it front and rear.
She hands the chicken back and points to the other one. Same thing - the prodding, the poking, the sniffing front and rear. She rejects this one too and is about to leave the shop when the butcher stops her.
"Hey lady," he says, "just out of interest, could you pass a test like that?"
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Chris C 
"Four words, never backwards."
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Posted - 03/05/2006 : 22:35:21
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This chap was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet, so he went to the pet shop and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede which came in a little white box to use as its house.
He took the box back home, found a good location for it, and then decided it would be nice to start the relationship off by taking his new pet to the pub for a drink.
So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to the local with me and have a beer?"
But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the pub and having a drink with me?" but again there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to the Feathers and have a drink with me?
A little voice came out of the box:...........
"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my fucking shoes on !!"
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duh 
"catpurrs"
See Fourum for details.
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Posted - 25/05/2006 : 21:51:21
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One day, a Catholic priest met one of his old high-school friends who he hadn't seen since graduation. The priest noticed that his friend had remained a potty mouth, but being a Godly man he decided to go fishing with him. He had never been fishing anyway, so he figured this would be a good learning experience.
On the day of the fishing trip, they went out and the priest caught the biggest walleye you could imagine. It had to weight 20 pounds. His friend exclaimed to him, "Damn, that's a big son-of-a-bitch!"
The priest was taken aback. "I'm a Godly man, you shouldn't speak to me that way."
His friend, feeling like a sack of ass, tried to lie his way out of it, explaining "no, man, that's what that's called. A son-of-a-bitch!" The priest, not knowing anything about fish, accepted this explanation.
As it turned out, the bishop was visiting the church that day, and the priest could think of no better dinner for the bishop than something he caught himself. So when he brought his verly large fish to the church to be cleaned, one of the altar boys stopped him on his way to the kitchen and remarked on how big the fish was.
The priest was pretty proud by now, "Yeah, I caught the son-of-a-bitch!"
The altar boy was, astonished, asked the priest, "Is that how you talk to God?"
The priest then explained, "No, that's what it's called, a son-of-a-bitch."
When he got back to the kitchen to give the fish to the cook, she exclaimed, "My what a large walleye! Did you catch it?"
The priest corrected her, "Yeah, I caught it. But you should know, that's not a walleye, that's a son-of-a-bitch."
The cook, confused, thought it was just some fish she had never heard of, and accepted that.
When the bishop finally arrived for dinner, the proud kitchen staff brought out their masterpiece, the big son-of-a-bitch, and laid it on the table.
The bishop, after saying grace, commented on how nice the fish looked and that he couldn't wait to get a piece of it. The priest couldn't take it any more, stood up, and said loudly, "You like that? I caught the son-of-a-bitch!"
The bishop, astonished, said "Oh, dear. I don't believe this."
The altar boy, feeling the need to support his priest, said, "Yeah, I saw him bring the son-of-a-bitch in!"
The cook then said, "I cleaned and cooked the son-of-a-bitch myself! Believe it, he caught it."
The bishop was speechless. After about a minute of silence, he said, "You know what? You motherfuckers are my kind of people!"
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Chris C
"Four words, never backwards."
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Posted - 25/05/2006 : 23:09:23
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| Type the word "liar" into Google and look at the top return. Made me smile today. |
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Chris C
"Four words, never backwards."
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Posted - 25/05/2006 : 23:17:14
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An Englishman is having breakfast one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The Englishman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
Frenchman: "You English folk eat the whole bread??"
Englishman (in a bad mood): "Of course."
Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France,
we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to Britain." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.
The Englishman listens in silence.
The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jam with the bread??"
Englishman: "Of Course."
Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).
"We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to Britain."
After a moment of silence, The Englishman then asks: "Do you have sex in France?"
Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.
Englishman: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."
Englishman: "We don't. In Britain, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum and sell them to France."
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Falken 
"Intestinal Fourtitude."
Ottawa, Canada
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Posted - 03/06/2006 : 03:57:22
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A man goes into an porno shop and asks the assistant for an inflatable doll.
"Would you like male or female?"
"Female, please."
"I'm sorry sir, but I must inform you that we only have two models left, the Caucasian and the Iraqi."
This question confused the man, so he asked,
"What has that got to do with it? It's an inflatable doll!"
"Well," explained the assistant, "The Iraqi one blows itself up!"
 Falken |
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MguyX 
"X marks the spot"
United States
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Posted - 03/06/2006 : 04:17:01
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quote:
Originally posted by Chris C
Type the word "liar" into Google and look at the top return. Made me smile today.
Funny! No. 2 was predictable in context, but odd not to be No. 1.  |
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Stalean
"Back...OMG"
United States
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Posted - 09/06/2006 : 18:42:34
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PERKS OF BEING OVER 50
If you are not over 50, this is what you have to look forward to
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
4. People call at 9 pm and ask, " Did I wake you ???? "
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 pm.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
19. You can't remember who sent you this list
And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.
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duh
"catpurrs"
See Fourum for details.
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Posted - 09/06/2006 : 20:38:08
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quote:
Originally posted by StaLean
And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.
Thank you for that. 
Every year, English teachers from across the country (USA)can submit their
collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays.
These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across
the country. Here are last year's winners.....
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently
compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy
who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those
boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high
schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of
those
boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was
room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just
before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because
of
his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly
surcharge-free ATM machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling
ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled
with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie,
surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy
comes on at 7:00 p. m. instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry
them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the
grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left
Cleveland at 6:36pm traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 pm
at
a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that
resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had
also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the
East
River.
18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one
that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this
plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating
for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a
real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or
something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg
behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with
power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if
she were a garbage truck backing up.
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damalc
"last watched: Sausage Party"
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Posted - 11/06/2006 : 11:25:27
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2 men and 1 woman are applying for a job with their nation's highest intelligence agency.
agents tell the first applicant, 'take this gun. go into that room. kill the person there.'
he comes back out immediately. 'that's my wife,' he says.
'kill her.'
'i can't kill my wife,' the applicant says, and is dismissed.
in another part of the HQ, the 2nd applicant is given the same mission. after 7 minutes he comes out of the room with his wife, arm in arm, crying. they leave.
in yet another wing, the female applicant is given the same task. she enters the room. the interviewing agents hear a gunshot, then a ruckus.
the applicant comes out of the room after nearly a half hour.
'did you know that gun was loaded with blanks?' she asks. 'i had to beat him to death with that chair.'
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Edited by - damalc on 11/06/2006 13:52:55 |
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MguyX
"X marks the spot"
United States
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Posted - 18/06/2006 : 03:21:20
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One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."
The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache." |
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MguyX
"X marks the spot"
United States
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Posted - 18/06/2006 : 03:25:17
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The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store & thought, "That's what I need - a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve & 16-1/2 neck." Again, Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see ... 9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."
Joe laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache. |
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thefoxboy
"Four your eyes only."
Eastern Suburbs, Melbourne, Australia
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Posted - 22/06/2006 : 01:42:26
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Little Johnny goes to his dad and asks him for a 10 speed racing bike.
Dad says, "Sorry Johnny, we have an $80000 mortgage and mummy just lost her job, we can't afford it". The next morning, dad sees little Johnny walking out the front door with suitcase in hand. �Where you going Johnny� asks dad. Johnny replies �Well, last night I heard you tell mummy that you were pulling out and mummy said that she was coming too, fucked if I�m staying here with an $80000 mortgage and no push bike�.
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Earnest Scribbler 
"Writer of Jokes"
Scotland
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Posted - 22/06/2006 : 02:21:36
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SOME OF PETER KAY'S FINEST ONE-LINERS.
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it.
I said 'Thyroid problem?'
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder.
I don't get on with my real ladder.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'.
So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass.
Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked!
From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire',
which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?'
I said 'No, six should be enough.'
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
You know that look women get when they want sex? No, me neither.
Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before
PETER KAY'S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS
Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
You never know where to look when eating a banana.
You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
Old ladies can eat more than you think.
You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY
Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your bottom?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a Horrible crisp no one would eat?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
What do people in China call their good quality plates?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time,but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
What do you call male ballerinas?
Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure? |
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Jokes
