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Sean 
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
New Zealand
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 Posted - 22/06/2006 : 05:52:21
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 Nice work, Earnest. A good batch. [5] |
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thefoxboy 
"Four your eyes only."
Eastern Suburbs, Melbourne, Australia
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Posted - 22/06/2006 : 06:28:05
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quote:
Originally posted by Earnest Scribbler
QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY
If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
Well actually, a Title that my parents have for some property they have states the depth on it. I don't recall what the depth is.  |
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BaftaBaby
"Always entranced by cinema."
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Posted - 22/06/2006 : 09:50:41
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quote:
Originally posted by Earnest Scribbler
SOME OF PETER KAY'S FINEST ONE-LINERS.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'.
So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
Certainly THAT one, and several others I'm sure are NOT Peter Kay's - fab tho he is -- but US king of the one-liners Steven Wright. Shocking but true 
Go sit on Arthur's seat and check yer fax, Scribbler 
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Earnest Scribbler 
"Writer of Jokes"
Scotland
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Posted - 22/06/2006 : 13:47:02
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| Aaah, don't shoot the messenger BB! Someone sent them in an email to me, so it was a copy + paste job. I don't think I've heard the breakfast one before, so I don't know. |
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MguyX 
"X marks the spot"
United States
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Posted - 03/07/2006 : 17:55:13
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A law school professor addressed a group of students as follows: "And, of course, there is always the objection to the form of the question, such as a question that assumes facts not proven or not in evidence. This is what I like to call � at least in these more politically correct times � the old �When did you stop beating your husband?� question.� Looking rakish he snickered, �Now can anyone tell me why that�s an unfair question?�
A hand shot up in the back, and a young lady chimed in. �Yeah, how do I know if he hasn�t done something else stupid before I just go letting him off the hook?� |
Edited by - MguyX on 03/07/2006 20:56:26 |
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BaftaBaby
"Always entranced by cinema."
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Posted - 04/07/2006 : 00:54:25
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The coroner was giving evidence in a murder trial. The prosecution asks:
"Are you sure the victim was actually dead before you performed the autopsy?"
"Absolutely!" he replies.
"Did you feel for a pulse?"
"No"
"Did you check the breathing?"
"No"
"So what makes you so sure?"
"Well, the patient's brain was in a jar on my desk."
But the prosecutor doesn't want to give up. "Tell me," he inquires, "are there any circumstances in which a person in that condition could still have been alive?"
The coroner answers, "I suppose in some extraordinary circumstances a person could still be alive ... and practicing law somewhere!"
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MguyX
"X marks the spot"
United States
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Posted - 04/07/2006 : 05:32:04
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duh 
"catpurrs"
See Fourum for details.
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Posted - 07/07/2006 : 15:00:26
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Blonds do get some things right.
Who Wants to be a Millionaire?
A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the
final
plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would
win
$1,000 000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only
the
$32,000 milestone money.
And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question
was no
pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does
not
build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of
other birds? Is it A) the condor; B) the buzzard; C) the cuckoo; or (D)
the vulture?"
The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she
was
doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline
and her
Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend
Lifeline. The woman hoped she would not have to use it because .. her
friend was, well a...blonde.
She had no alternative She called her friend and gave her the
question and the four choices. The blonde responded immediately, "That's
easy.
The answer is C: The cuckoo."
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She
considered
employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except
the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend
was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do.
On the other hand - the blonde had responded with such
confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be
persuaded.
"I need an answer," said Regis.
Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Regis.
"Yes, that is my final answer."
Two minutes later, Regis said, "That answer is ... absolutely
correct!!
You are now a millionaire!"
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family
and friends including the blonde who had helped her win the million
dollars.
"Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the
contestant.
"How did you happen to know the right answer?"
"Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos
don't build nests. They live in clocks." |
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Willy Weasel
"Look left and right."
England
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Posted - 09/07/2006 : 13:34:18
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quote:
Originally posted by thefoxboy
Well actually, a Title that my parents have for some property they have states the depth on it. I don't recall what the depth is.
Foxy in the UK if someone is digging a deep hole it is common to make the lame quip "Are you digging to Australia?" Do you have a similar expression in Australia and if so, what is it? (Sorry, that's for contestant number two  )
I'm a big Peter Kay fan BTW, thanks Mr.Scribbler.
Garlic? Bread?
Stop Press: Just Unearthed some more Kayisms!
You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.
Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.
Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
Old women with mobile phones look wrong!
You never ever run out of salt.
There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
In every plate of chips there is a bad chip. |
Edited by - Willy Weasel on 09/07/2006 14:17:23 |
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Paddy C
"Does not compute! Lame!"
Ireland
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Posted - 12/07/2006 : 16:32:14
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Sophie Ellis-Bextor found dead
29 year old English pop singer Sophie Ellis Bextor has been found dead in the Hotel Crillon in Paris, where the French national football team have been staying since the world cup completed. Bextor was apparently headbutted to death. Police suspect murder on Zidane's floor. |
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thefoxboy
"Four your eyes only."
Eastern Suburbs, Melbourne, Australia
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Posted - 12/07/2006 : 22:33:28
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quote:
Originally posted by Willy Weasel
quote:
Originally posted by thefoxboy
Well actually, a Title that my parents have for some property they have states the depth on it. I don't recall what the depth is.
Foxy in the UK if someone is digging a deep hole it is common to make the lame quip "Are you digging to Australia?" Do you have a similar expression in Australia and if so, what is it? (Sorry, that's for contestant number two )
I remember as a child we used to say dig to China, but I'm not sure if that was just my group of friends or not. |
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duh
"catpurrs"
See Fourum for details.
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Posted - 15/07/2006 : 05:58:23
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You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your right side is a valley and on your left side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Answer below*
Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round. |
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Sean
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
New Zealand
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Posted - 18/07/2006 : 02:06:02
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A man takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the
wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the
biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go
up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is
going to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm
voice said, "Come on in."
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was
all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side
near the pieces of window glass.
A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my
window?"
"Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm
a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now
that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give
you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for
myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted
out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least can do.
And
I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"
"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country
in the world," she said.
"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe
from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And ! now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a
woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your
wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both
now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right.
Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about
you, honey?"
You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same
for you!"
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of
the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and
looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your
husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"No Kidding," he said. "Thirty-five years old and both of you still
believe in genies?"
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duh
"catpurrs"
See Fourum for details.
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Posted - 19/07/2006 : 00:21:23
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quote:
Originally posted by Se�n
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and
looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your
husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"No Kidding," he said. "Thirty-five years old and both of you still
believe in genies?"
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Stalean
"Back...OMG"
United States
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Posted - 28/07/2006 : 03:32:30
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The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term (not really). The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Here is the professor's "Bonus Question":
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven . . . thereby proving the existence of a divine being . . . which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A" |
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Jokes
