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MguyX 
"X marks the spot"
United States
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 Posted - 11/03/2009 : 07:38:30
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This is not quite the tale of the "Warm Fuzzies," but it is a true piece of advice I had to share with my nephew.
My adult nephew asked me for some advice about a pretty girl he�d been dating. Seems she was all too happy to let him wine and dine her, replete with her flirtations and sexual innuendos, but when it came down to the down and dirty, she would constantly foil his efforts. So I asked him whether he�d ever heard the parable of the car salesman.
�Nope.� Thus I proceed.
There once was an earnest car salesman, young and handsome, and determined to make his way in the world selling sound and beautiful vehicles to a public in need of a desired mode of transportation. One day, a beautiful young woman came onto the lot and approached him.
�Well hello, madam!� He said. �My, that is a very pretty dress you are wearing, and might I say that you are quite the striking beauty who wears it.�
She blushed and smiled. �Thank you. And you are quite the handsome man.�
He smiled. �How may I help you on this lovely day?�
�I would like to purchase a vehicle.�
�Well, you�ve come to the right place, and, the right man. Let me show you what we have to offer.�
The salesman escorted the lovely lass all over the lot, showing her the various makes and models of vehicles he had, lifting up the hoods to show her the powerful engines, and opening the doors of each to allow her to experience the fine craftsmanship that went into each interior. As they walked and examined the vehicles, he smiled and complimented her on her beauty and poise.
After about an hour of walking and talking, the salesman brought her back to the showroom and seated her at his desk.
�Would you like some refreshments?� He asked.
�Oh please!� she eagerly responded, at which he brought her a lovely array of home-baked cookies and delicate herbal teas.
�My! These are the best cookies I have ever tasted!� she exclaimed, to which the salesman responded, �Thank you. I make them myself, as I want each person I escort on this lot to understand that I place a lot of love and care into what I do, so that when they buy a car from me, they know that I will always be there to help with whatever concerns they might have. And for you, I am happy to be of this service.�
�So, which car do you like?�
The young lady blushed and giggled �Oh, there are so many cars to choose from, and you are simply the best salesman I have ever met. You are kind, and thoughtful, and never too pushy. But there is so much to think about. Let me go home and think some more. I promise that I will come back to you and make my decision.� she said.
�Please do.� said the salesman, and he escorted her out of the showroom, opening the door for her and wishing her the best for the day.
The next day, the young woman returned. Much of the same interaction occurred, with the salesman remarking on her beauty and excellent taste in clothing, she blushing and thanking him, and he showing her every car on the lot, explaining the qualities of each. Again they returned to the showroom, and again he presented her with the delicious cookies and teas. And again she professed her desire to consider the many choices. She promised to return with her choice.
�Please do.� said the salesman, and he escorted her out of the showroom, opening the door for her and wishing her the best for the day.
This same scenario repeated for the next seven days. On an almost imperceptible level, the salesman�s enthusiasm waned slowly, though he continued to be of the most service he could for this lovely lady.
On the eighth day, she returned again.
�Well hello, madam!� He said, as he had said so many times before. �My, that is yet another very pretty dress you are wearing, and, as always, might I say that you are quite the striking beauty who wears it.�
She blushed and smiled. �Thank you. And you are quite the handsome man.�
He smiled.
�I would like to purchase a vehicle.�
�No you don�t.�
The young lady seemed surprised. �But yes I do!� she said, somewhat confused. �Let us go look at the cars and talk over your lovely cookies and teas, for I am certain that I will make a choice today.�
�No, my dear, you do not want to purchase a car from me, not today or any other day.�
Now the lovely young lady became cross, not expecting this reaction. She placed her hands on her hips and, in a subtle but somewhat angry way, she asked �Well how do you know that I will not buy a car from you today? How do you know that I will not by all of your cars?�
He replied, �I know it to a certainty. I can see it in my heels.�
�How is that?!� she asked angrily.
�Let me show you.� The young salesman then took off one shoe and held it so the heel was exposed to her. Swinging it wildly, he chased her off the fucking lot, exclaiming �Bitch! Get the fuck off my goddamned lot and stop wasting my mother-fucking time!�
Moral of the story: don�t waste your time with a girl who�s using you and not giving it up, even if she�s pretty.  |
Edited by - MguyX on 12/03/2009 03:50:49 |
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Wheelz 
"FWFR%u2019ing like it%u2019s 1999"
United States
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Posted - 27/03/2009 : 18:01:44
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BLONDE'S DIARY ON A CRUISE SHIP
DEAR DIARY: DAY 1 All packed for the cruise ship -- all my sexiest dresses and make-up. Really excited.
DEAR DIARY: DAY 2 Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.
DEAR DIARY: DAY 3 At the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
DEAR DIARY:DAY 4 Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.
DEAR DIARY: DAY 5 Pool again today, got sun burnt, and went inside to drink at piano bar for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me if I did not let him have his way with me he would sink the ship.. I was shocked.
DEAR DIARY: DAY 6 Today I saved 1600 lives. Twice. |
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Beanmimo 
"August review site"
Ireland
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Posted - 07/05/2009 : 10:40:05
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Man: Doctor doctor I'm having problems having relations with my wife
Doctor: Why what seems to be the problem
Man: She's dead.
Doctor: Didn't stop me. |
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aahaa, muahaha
"Optimistic altruist, incurable romantic"
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Posted - 12/05/2009 : 10:26:51
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Two doctors opened an office in a small town.
They put up a sign reading: "Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Psychiatry and
Proctology."
The town council was not too happy with the sign, so the doctors
changed it to: "Hysterias and Posteriors."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council,
they changed the sign to: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."
No go! Next they tried "Catatonics and Colonics" Thumbs down again.
Then came, "Manic-Depressives and Anal-Retentives."
But is was still not good! So they tried:
"Minds and Behinds"
"Analysis and Anal Cysts"
"Nuts and Butts"
"Freaks and Cheeks"
"Loons and Moons"
"Lost Souls and Ass Holes"
None worked.
Almost at their wits' end, the doctors finally came up with a title they
thought might be accepted by the council:
"Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Odds and Ends."
APPROVED
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Sean 
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
New Zealand
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Posted - 25/05/2009 : 04:56:38
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A MAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM
Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football player 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
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TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.
_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bitch to find me.
Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
_______________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
________________________________
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up to day. Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
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SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my wife (the bitch) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a vasectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
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MguyX
"X marks the spot"
United States
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Posted - 25/05/2009 : 06:03:05
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duh
"catpurrs"
See Fourum for details.
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Posted - 28/05/2009 : 02:09:32
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quote:
Originally posted by MguyX
Moral of the story: don�t waste your time with a girl who�s using you and not giving it up, even if she�s pretty.
Perhaps the young lady heeded this advice from her grandmother, "Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?"
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randall 
"I like to watch."
NYC, USA
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Posted - 28/05/2009 : 18:01:50
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| Four guys walk into a bar. Guy behind the bar says, "Jeez, with three ahead of him, that fourth guy really should have seen it!" |
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Chris C
"Four words, never backwards."
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Posted - 03/07/2009 : 20:31:57
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A penguin takes his car to a mechanic because there is a funny noise coming from under the bonnet.
"Leave it with me," says the mechanic. "Come back in 20 minutes."
So, off goes the penguin. It's a pretty hot day, and he's a cool weather kind of guy so on spotting an ice cream van he goes and buys himself a 99.
Now, penguins aren't very good at eating ice creams as the lack of opposable thumbs makes it tricky. So by the time the penguin has finished his 99, he is completely covered in ice cream. It is all over his beak and all over his flippers. Feeling a little sticky, he goes back to the garage.
"Oh, hello," says the mechanic, wiping his hands on a cloth.
"Hello," replies the penguin. "Was it anything serious?"
"Not really, but it looks like you've blown a seal."
"Oh no, no, no!" says the penguin, wiping his mouth. "It's just ice cream."
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Chris C
"Four words, never backwards."
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Posted - 03/07/2009 : 20:41:01
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New Standard Operating Procedures released today.
Please learn BBQ RULES
We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert. (3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three metre exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.
Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine...
(6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat
Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off ', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
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Cheese_Ed
"The Provolone Ranger"
Guernsey
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Posted - 03/07/2009 : 21:47:53
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What's a BBQ without a couple of flies.
Two flies are sitting on a piece of shit.
One of the flies lifts his leg and cuts a tremendously long fart.
The other fly turns to him and says, "Do you have to do that?! I'm trying to eat!!" |
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MguyX
"X marks the spot"
United States
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Posted - 03/07/2009 : 23:16:48
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quote:
Originally posted by Cheese_Ed
What's a BBQ without a couple of flies.
Two flies are sitting on a piece of shit.
One of the flies lifts his leg and cuts a tremendously long fart.
The other fly turns to him and says, "Do you have to do that?! I'm trying to eat!!"
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duh
"catpurrs"
See Fourum for details.
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Posted - 20/08/2009 : 05:15:59
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Husband & Wife
Before Marriage:
Husband - Aaah! .... At last! I can hardly wait!
Wife - Do you want me to leave?
Husband - No! Don't even think about it.
Wife - Do you love me?
Husband - Of course! Always have and always will!
Wife - Have you ever cheated on me?
Husband - No! Why are you even asking?
Wife - Will you kiss me?
Husband - Every chance I get!
Wife - Will you hit me?
Husband - Hell no! Are you crazy?!
Wife - Can I trust you?
Husband - Yes.
Wife - Darling!
After Marriage: read from the bottom to top. |
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thefoxboy
"Four your eyes only."
Eastern Suburbs, Melbourne, Australia
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Posted - 20/08/2009 : 06:36:10
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quote:
Originally posted by duh Improper Username
Husband & Wife
Before Marriage:
Husband - Aaah! .... At last! I can hardly wait!
Wife - Do you want me to leave?
Husband - No! Don't even think about it.
Wife - Do you love me?
Husband - Of course! Always have and always will!
Wife - Have you ever cheated on me?
Husband - No! Why are you even asking?
Wife - Will you kiss me?
Husband - Every chance I get!
Wife - Will you hit me?
Husband - Hell no! Are you crazy?!
Wife - Can I trust you?
Husband - Yes.
Wife - Darling!
After Marriage: read from the bottom to top.
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Beanmimo
"August review site"
Ireland
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Posted - 20/08/2009 : 09:24:27
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quote:
Originally posted by thefoxboy
quote:
Originally posted by duh Improper Username
Husband & Wife
Before Marriage:
Husband - Aaah! .... At last! I can hardly wait!
Wife - Do you want me to leave?
Husband - No! Don't even think about it.
Wife - Do you love me?
Husband - Of course! Always have and always will!
Wife - Have you ever cheated on me?
Husband - No! Why are you even asking?
Wife - Will you kiss me?
Husband - Every chance I get!
Wife - Will you hit me?
Husband - Hell no! Are you crazy?!
Wife - Can I trust you?
Husband - Yes.
Wife - Darling!
After Marriage: read from the bottom to top.
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Jokes
