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bife 
"Winners never quit ... fwfr ... "
Singapore
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 Posted - 06/11/2009 : 23:01:53
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| A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See darling - its not that hard." |
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Sean 
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
New Zealand
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Posted - 07/11/2009 : 02:35:56
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bife
"Winners never quit ... fwfr ... "
Singapore
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Posted - 07/11/2009 : 14:47:01
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There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.
First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.
Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.
The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw."
The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming." |
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bife
"Winners never quit ... fwfr ... "
Singapore
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Posted - 09/11/2009 : 13:42:31
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| Two men are walking down the road and see a dog licking its balls. The first man says: "Gee, I wish I could do that." The second man replies: "Better pet him first. He might bite." |
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bife
"Winners never quit ... fwfr ... "
Singapore
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Posted - 11/11/2009 : 15:24:46
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Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
A: Full. |
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Chris C 
"Four words, never backwards."
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Posted - 11/11/2009 : 20:58:03
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quote:
Originally posted by bife
Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
A: Full.
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Chris C
"Four words, never backwards."
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Posted - 22/11/2009 : 17:20:37
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Random thoughts from people 20-35 years old.
- More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.
- Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realise you're wrong.
- Have you ever been walking down the street and realised that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
- I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
- Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know" feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?
- Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.
- There is a great need for sarcasm font. 
- Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realise I had no idea what the f*** was going on when I first saw it.
- I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.
- How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
- I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
- I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
- LOL has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".
- I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
- Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".
- How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
- I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
- Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies".
- What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?
- While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.
- I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
- Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty; you can wear them forever.
- I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
- Bad decisions make good stories.
- Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public, I feel like a kid on Christmas morning that just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!
- If Carmen San Diego and Wally ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.
- Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem ...
- You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
- Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.
- There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
- I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
- "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.
- I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'
- I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
- I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
- When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
- I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
- Why is a school zone 25 km/h? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for paedophiles...
- Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
- I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
- Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...
- My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?
- I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
- I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
- The other night I ordered take away and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic cutlery. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.
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duh 
"catpurrs"
See Fourum for details.
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Posted - 22/11/2009 : 17:39:10
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quote:
Originally posted by Chris C
How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
I enjoyed that list, but this item has extra meaning to me, because my dad and my son are deaf. Dad wears a hearing aid although it is no longer very helpful, so he reads lips and carries paper and pen for having people write him notes. Even so, people won't take a clue and think that if they just yell loudly enough, he'll understand.
My son, who wears a cochlear implant, has picked up my father's method of just smiling and nodding and pretending to have understood what is said, because sometimes asking people to repeat themselves clearly is either just too embarassing or too much trouble.
I have tinnitus and although I can hear people, quite often the shrill chorus inside my head makes it very difficult to understand them. But this is nothing new. Even before the tinnitus, as a teen, I had difficulty understanding what my peers were saying. It was just noise, even though my hearing tested normal. So I smiled and nodded a lot, and continued my solitary ways.
The internet has been a blessing to my son and I because of the way it facilitates interaction with other people. We now have friends all over the world, and this is something we could not have had otherwise.
The item in Chris' list shows me that I'm not the only person who has difficulty understanding spoken conversation. :) |
Edited by - duh on 22/11/2009 17:40:08 |
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thefoxboy 
"Four your eyes only."
Eastern Suburbs, Melbourne, Australia
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Posted - 22/11/2009 : 21:18:16
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quote:
Originally posted by Chris C
- I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
I name all those numbers something like DON'T ANSWER
quote:
Originally posted by Chris C
- While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.
lol |
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MguyX
"X marks the spot"
United States
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Posted - 11/12/2009 : 00:13:52
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What's the difference between Santa and Tiger Woods? Santa stops at 3 ho's ("Ho Ho Ho!")
Tiger is considering changing his name to avoid all of the bad press, but he still wants it to be animalistic. His wife suggested Lion-Cheetah. |
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Beanmimo
"August review site"
Ireland
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Posted - 11/12/2009 : 16:03:08
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quote:
Originally posted by Chris C
- You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
Hear hear!!
When i sit down at my desk every morning!!  |
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Sean
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
New Zealand
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Posted - 04/01/2010 : 10:32:38
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An Irishman had been drinking at the pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing.
So, the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So he decided to crawl the four blocks home. Again, he fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"
Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said, "What makes you say that?"
"The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again." |
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Chris C
"Four words, never backwards."
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Posted - 12/01/2010 : 19:08:21
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Last week I was travelling for work. I checked into my hotel and was feeling a bit lonely. I thought, I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone books like escorts and such. I picked up the phone book and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs..... well, you get the picture!
I figured, what the heck, give her a call. "Hello," the woman say . God, she sounded sexy.
Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and Id like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything! Now, how does that sound?"
"That sounds fantastic," she says, "but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
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Chris C
"Four words, never backwards."
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Posted - 17/01/2010 : 18:12:27
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Sent to Mrs C by a female friend:-
The age of romance is not lost - or is it?????
The Black Bra (as told by a woman)
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here's how it all went.
My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you..' Then we made passionate love all night long.
The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes.. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,
"What's for dinner, Batman?"
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Chris C
"Four words, never backwards."
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Posted - 06/03/2010 : 17:50:11
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Exercise for the over-40s
(I'm sure that there's a few out there in Fwifferland)
The older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into our daily routine. This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health and maintain muscle mass.
If you're over 40, you might want to take it easy at first, then do more repetitions as you become more proficient and build stamina. Warning: It may be too strenuous for some.
Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!
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That's enough for the first day. Great job.
Have a glass of wine
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Jokes
