| Author |
 Topic  |
|
Chris C 
"Four words, never backwards."
|
 Posted - 18/04/2010 : 23:23:45
|
Stupid, but thought I'd share anyway.
GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS...
Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.
A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.
It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.
Terrified, she let out a very loud scream.
The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.
He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it.
About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind.
He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.
His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.
The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.
About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and one of the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the husband broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.
But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.
The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.
The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.
By now, the police had arrived.
Breathe here...
They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!
The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.
Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.
The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.
Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).
Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.
A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.
And that's when he shot her. |
 |
|
|
Beanmimo
"August review site"
Ireland
|
Posted - 19/04/2010 : 00:23:56
|
Hee hee, nice story Chris!!
Mum was at the bathroom mirror when her 7 year old daughter passed
Daughter: Mummy you're getting fat.
Mum: Yes love remember I told you I have a baby growing in my tummy.
Daughter: Yes. But what's growing in your bum? |
|
|
|
BaftaBaby 
"Always entranced by cinema."
|
Posted - 12/05/2010 : 06:00:42
|
Trying to ease the pain of a server glitch, my domain host posted the following:
A bloke professed his desire become a great writer. Asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
|
|
|
|
MguyX 
"X marks the spot"
United States
|
Posted - 12/05/2010 : 16:22:31
|
The other day, the owners cut the power to the whole trailer park about noon-time. So my blonde trailer-park gal says to me, "That's funny: they cut the power to the park, so how is it the cars are still driving?"
Now that's just stupid; the real question is why it was still light outside! |
|
|
|
Sean 
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
New Zealand
|
Posted - 17/05/2010 : 12:54:49
|
There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.
An angel hears his plea and appears to him.
"Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."
The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.
The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him.
The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.
Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter.
Seeing the suitcase St. Peter says,
"Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"
But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying,
"You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."
St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims,
"You brought pavement?!!!"
|
|
|
|
MguyX
"X marks the spot"
United States
|
Posted - 13/06/2010 : 03:57:31
|
"Knock knock."
Who's there?
"Frank Sinatra."
Frank Sinatra who?
"'Sinatra who?' Are you serious?"
_____
A man's girlfriend enters the livining room of their apartment carrying a suitcase.
"I'm leaving you, Gerald; I think you're a paedophile."
"Paedophile? That's a pretty big word for an 8 year old." |
Edited by - MguyX on 13/06/2010 09:00:07 |
|
|
|
Sean
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
New Zealand
|
Posted - 18/06/2010 : 06:49:03
|
An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property for several years. He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and avocado trees. The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and he also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a ten litre bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the crocodile.'
|
|
|
|
ChocolateLady
"500 Chocolate Delights"
Israel
|
Posted - 10/07/2010 : 12:40:08
|
THE CRUISE
DEAR DIARY . DAY ONE
All packed for the cruise ship - all my sexiest dresses and make-up. Really excited.
DEAR DIARY . DAY TWO
Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins.
Met the Captain today - seems a very nice man.
DEAR DIARY . DAY THREE
At the pool today.. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honoured and had a wonderful time.
He is very attractive and attentive.
DEAR DIARY . DAY FOUR
Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne.
He asked me to stay the night but I declined.
Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.
DEAR DIARY DAY FIVE
Pool again today, got sunburned, went inside to drink at piano bar for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is charming.
Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night.
Again I declined. He told me if I didn't let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship. I was shocked����..
DEAR DIARY . DAY SIX
Saved 1600 lives today - twice.
|
|
|
|
MguyX
"X marks the spot"
United States
|
Posted - 12/07/2010 : 07:46:19
|
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas." When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas." After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"
A blonde bought two horses, and could never remember which was which. A neighbor suggested that she cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our friend was stuck again. The neighbor suggested she notch the ear off one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again our friend couldn't tell them apart. The neighbor suggested she measure the horses for height. When she did, she was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black one.
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-storey hotel with a sign that reads, "For Women Only." They decide to go in.
The hotel clerk explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors, each with a special description. Go up floor by floor: when the doors open, each floor has a sign describing what's being offered; once you find what you want, disembark and enjoy, but you cannot return to any of the lower floors."
They travel to the first floor, where the sign reads, "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads, "All the men here are short and handsome." They press the button for the next floor.
The third floor sign reads, "All the men here are tall and plain." They start to get excited, knowing two floors remain, so they continue upward.
The fourth floor sign is perfect. "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are about to disembark, but they talk about the fact that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they would be missing, they head up to the fifth floor.
The fifth floor sign reads as follows: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that women are impossible to please."
A couple's long wait to adopt a baby had come to an end. The adoption center called, announcing the availability of a healthy Japanese baby boy. The couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home, they stopped by the local community college to enroll in a night course. After they filled out the forms, the clerk inquired, "You're taking Japanese, I see. Going to Japan?"
The couple said proudly, "No. We just adopted a Japanese baby. We figure that in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him."
The following is reported to be a true story.
There was this little kid who had a thumb-sucking habit. To dissuade him, his mother said that if he didn't stop sucking his thumb, he'd get fat.
Two weeks later, his mother had friends over for a baby shower. The boy points to an obviously pregnant woman and says, "Ah, ha! I know what you've been doing!"
|
Edited by - MguyX on 15/07/2010 15:58:57 |
|
|
|
Chris C
"Four words, never backwards."
|
Posted - 24/08/2010 : 18:58:58
|
An older couple were sitting in church. Half way through the service the husband scribbles a note to his wife, "I just let out a silent fart. What should I do?"
The wife flips over the note and replies, "Replace your hearing aid battery."
A set of conjoined twins walks into a bar. The bartender asks what they're having.
"I'll have a double whiskey on the rocks," said the one on the right. "And I'll have a Shirley Temple," said the one on the left.
"What's going on fellas?" The bartender asks conversationally.
"We're off to Great Britain."
"Seems like you just got back from there. Do you like the food?" Asks the bartender.
"Nope. We hate the food," the twins answer in unison.
"Just like all of the history and architecture, then?" The bartender asks.
"Nah, that all rubbish, too," Answer the twins.
"Then why do you keep going back?"
"It's the only chance Clarence gets to drive." |
Edited by - Chris C on 24/08/2010 18:59:55 |
|
|
|
Falken
"Intestinal Fourtitude."
Ottawa, Canada
|
Posted - 24/08/2010 : 20:31:57
|
A buddy of mine is dating twins. I asked him how he could tell them apart.
He said, "Easy. Sally is blond, and Derek has a mustache..." |
|
|
|
Chris C
"Four words, never backwards."
|
Posted - 25/09/2010 : 16:58:10
|
A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks "Do you sell Viagra?"
Pharmacist says "Yes Madam, we do"
She asks "Does it work?"
Pharmacist says "Yes, indeed it does"
She asks "Can you get it over the counter?"
"I could if I take two" he replies. |
|
|
|
Sean
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
New Zealand
|
Posted - 26/09/2010 : 00:26:05
|
A: A cunt.
Q: What do you call someone who reads the punchline first? |
|
|
|
zeike 
"High concept cinema poet"
United Kingdom
|
Posted - 26/09/2010 : 12:59:20
|
Wife : "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."
Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"
Wife : "Those they gave away."
Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."
Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"
Husband : "That's where they held the auction."
___________________________________________________________________
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"
|
|
|
|
Chris C
"Four words, never backwards."
|
Posted - 14/10/2010 : 20:10:41
|
So one day God calls down to Noah . . . . and says,
"Noah, I want you to build another Ark, but this time I don't just want a couple of decks - I want 20 decks, one on top of the other".
"Twenty decks!?", screams Noah, "Well, OK, whatever you say. Should I fill it with all the animals, just like last time?".
"No, this time I just want fish . . . carp to be exact.", answers God.
Noah looks to the skies, "OK, God, let me get this right . . . you want a New Ark with 20 decks, one on top of the other? And you want it full of carp?"
"That's right", replies God.
Why?" asks Noah.
"Dunno really", says God. "I just fancied a multi-storey carp ark".
|
|
|
|
Topic |
|
|
|
Jokes
