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Conan The Westy 
"Father, Faithful Friend, Fwiffer"
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 Posted - 28/01/2007 : 10:41:59
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Some groaners from Conan's brother, Markandlain:
How does a butcher introduce his wife?
Meet Patty
After a long night of making love to his new girlfriend, Fred notices a photo of a man on her bedside table. At first, he really didn't give it much thought; she had never mentioned it so why should he. But after a month or so he begins to stress about it; even imagining the photo is staring at him doing the deed. It was causing him so much anxiety that he finally decides to ask about it.
"Is this your ex-husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Another boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no!!!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery"
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me." "
I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."
To be honest the last one might have already appeared but I'm too lazy to look for it. |
Edited by - Conan The Westy on 28/01/2007 10:43:37 |
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Stalean 
"Back...OMG"
United States
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Posted - 04/02/2007 : 17:37:46
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I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my dog and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........ Duh!
I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. Her eyes about bugged out of her head.
I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.
Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital.
I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me. |
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Cheese_Ed 
"The Provolone Ranger"
Guernsey
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Posted - 04/02/2007 : 18:22:23
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quote:
Originally posted by StaLean
I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my dog and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........ Duh!
I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. Her eyes about bugged out of her head.
I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.
Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital.
I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me.
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Sean
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
New Zealand
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Posted - 04/02/2007 : 23:52:35
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quote:
Originally posted by StaLean
.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt....
Q: Why do dogs lick their willy?
A: Because they can.  |
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MguyX
"X marks the spot"
United States
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Posted - 05/02/2007 : 04:49:47
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A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl.
As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if
anyone is sitting in the seat next to him "No," he says,
"The seat is empty."
"This is incredible," said the man.
"Who in their right mind would have a seat like this
for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the
world, and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me.
I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed
away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to
together since we got married in 1987."
"Oh...I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't
you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a
neighbor to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."
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Airbolt
"teil mann, teil maschine"
somewhere
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Posted - 06/02/2007 : 00:45:44
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Former President Clinton is a huge fan of the power nap.
In fact he always used to advise his interns to get their heads down for a few minutes! |
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Conan The Westy
"Father, Faithful Friend, Fwiffer"
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Posted - 06/02/2007 : 12:21:36
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Three more misogynistic offerings from my brother:
Definitions We've all heard about people having "guts" or "balls." But do you really know the difference between them?
For clarification, the definition for each is listed below.
GUTS: is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS: is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."
I hope this clears up any confusion about each word's definition and practical application. However, medically speaking, there is no real difference ... since both definitions ultimately result in death.
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee,
And a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
MEN vs. WOMEN
(Hey they're funny cos they're generally true.)
1. NAMES
If Jane , Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Jane , Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.
If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
2. EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
3. MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
4. BATHROOMS
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
5. ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
6. CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
7. FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
8. SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
9. MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
10. DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
11. NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
12. OFFSPRING - Ah, children.
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing. |
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turrell
"Ohhhh Ohhhh Ohhhh Ohhhh "
Little Rock
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Posted - 06/02/2007 : 15:42:02
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We all love puns and some of these may be old ones, but I thought I'd post these as all of them produce deep groans....
1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so ... thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
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Chris C
"Four words, never backwards."
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Posted - 09/02/2007 : 00:13:08
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Facts about Chuck Norris
*Guns dont kill people, Chuck Norris kills people.
*Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
*Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
*When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
*Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
*There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.
*Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
*Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
*Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
*Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
*There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
*When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
*Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
*Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
*There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
*Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
*Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
*Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.
*Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
*Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost
*Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.
*Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
*Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
*Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
*The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
*Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
*Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous.
*If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
*Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
*When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.
*The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
*Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.
*CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.
*Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
*There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
*Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
*What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.
*Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
*Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
*Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
*Chuck Norris doesn't wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
*A Disabled parking sign does not signify that this spot is for disabled people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be disabled if you park there.
*Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.
*Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Massacre.
*If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
*Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
*Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face.
*The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
*Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
*Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
*Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
*Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
*Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
*Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
*Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Chuck Norris's warm-up exercises.
*Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
*In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.
*Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"
*Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
*Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.
*Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.
*The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.
*In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
*According to the Encyclopedia Britannica, the Native American "Trail of Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.
*Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
*Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.
*When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
*There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.
*Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
*Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries. |
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Chris C
"Four words, never backwards."
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Posted - 09/02/2007 : 00:13:52
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Children's Books That Didn't Make It...
1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Daddys New Wife is Robert
4. Fun Four-Letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly.
12. That's It; I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Pop Goes The Hamster & Other Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
23. Your Nightmares Are Real
24. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
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Chris C
"Four words, never backwards."
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Posted - 16/02/2007 : 20:26:47
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Don't take a man shopping....
Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or boyfriend along shopping
This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in Oxford:
Dear Mrs. Murray,
While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.
Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone,"Code 3" in housewares..... and watched what happened.
5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.
7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.
9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the
Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.
10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices again."
And; last, but not least:
14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."
Yours sincerely,
Charles Brown
Store Manager
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Whippersnapper. 
"A fourword thinking guy."
United Kingdom
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Posted - 19/02/2007 : 13:00:20
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Holmes and Watson had just got back to Baker Street when, by sheer luck, they caught the housekeeper leaving with her suitcase.
"Where are you going?" asked Holmes.
"I'm 'orf, Mr 'Olmes, I can't live 'ere no more, not on the wages you pay me!"
"Why, I pay you an excellent basic salary!"
"Well, yes, that's true, the basic salary is alright, " said the housekeeper,
"But what about all those deductions?"
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Sean
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
New Zealand
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Posted - 15/03/2007 : 10:48:41
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A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.
After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact.
"Mary. Mary."
"Is that you, Fred?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again."
"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."
"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Somerset."
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Whippersnapper.
"A fourword thinking guy."
United Kingdom
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BaftaBaby 
"Always entranced by cinema."
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Posted - 21/03/2007 : 15:00:20
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quote:
Originally posted by Whippersnapper
Site for sore eyes! 
... and yours are so sore you've put this in the wrong thread?
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Jokes
